The Angry Penguin

Wallaby Tears

2007-11-13T10:44:00.000-05:00

Wallaby Tears

Scott Clayton

A number of suited corporate executives are seated along a table. The CEO stands at the head of the table and addresses the men.

Boss:
Alright, so as you are all surely aware, UltraCorp's profits dropped eighteen percent last quarter. So we need a hot new product. We need something that will sell. So...
(shouting offstage/outside)
ALRIGHT GUYS, COME ON IN!

Two men enter, wearing funky t-shirts and blazers, a little bit too energetically, looking like slightly douchey, hip product development guys.

Kevin:
Hey guys, I'm Kevin and this is my partner Josh and we're here to bounce some product ideas off of you guys, okay?

Josh:
Alright, let's get this thing started, you know?

Kevin:
So. You want a hot new energy drink? You want something that really kicks A? Check this.

Josh:
"Smash"...It's an energy cola....

Kevin:
Made of:

Josh:
Sixty percent. Kerosene.

Kevin:
(emphatically)
Uh.

There is a long, pause. The executives are confused.

Suit #1:
Wait... what?

Josh:
Kerosene, baby. It's fuel. For your mind, and your body.

Kevin slaps Josh on the ass.

Suit #2:
Isn't that dangerous?

Kevin:
(rushing ahead)
But that's not all. It's also got, uh...

Josh:
(with a snap)
Olive juice. For kick.

Kevin:
Yeah! For just the right amount of bite.

(beat)

Suit #1:
That's... that's disgusting.

Kevin:
Disgustingly good.

Josh:
Right.

Kevin:
But! We haven't told you about the secret ingredient!

Josh:
Are you ready?

Kevin:
Prepare yourself.

Josh:
Wallaby tears.

Kevin:
Boom.

Josh:
Get some.

Kevin:
That's what's happenin'.

Josh:
Booyah.

Kevin:
In. Yo. Face.

Kevin and Josh bump chests, gayly. There is another long pause.

Suit #1:
Wait... What's a wallaby?

Josh:
Mid-sized Australian marsupial.

Kevin:
Cries like a motherfucker.

Josh:
Fortunately for us, the wallaby season just opened. All we have to do is get our hands on some of these little critters, expose them to horrible, offensive images, and harvest the sweet, sweet nectar of their suffering.

Kevin:
...and sell it for a profit margin of 53 percent.

Josh:
Hey-oh!

They high-five, but don't release hands, and subtly bring their embraced hands down to waist level and hold for a few seconds too long before letting go. There is a long, long, awkward span of complete silence. The CEO stands up.

CEO:
Ahem... well... would you gentlemen please step out for a moment while the board discusses this?

Josh and Kevin leave the room. As soon as they are outside, they begin to jump up and down in excitement, holding hands. The rabbles and discussion of the board members can barely be heard through the door.

Kevin:
Oh my god, you were great.

Josh:
Really? You think they liked it?

Kevin:
We are sooo in.

Josh:
My heart's just beating so fast. I don't... I don't know what to do. I'm so flus... flustered.

Josh leans over and puts his hands on his knees, breathing heavy. Kevin starts pacing.

CEO:
(offscreen)
Alright, guys. Come on back in.

Josh and Kevin reenter the room.

CEO:
So... we discussed your proposal gentlemen, and we don't feel that it's... "marketable."

Kevin:
Wha... what?

Suit #1:
It sucks. This is probably the worst idea ever.

Suit #2:
By far. The worst.

Suit #1:
Yeah.

Kevin:
WHAT?!

Josh:
This can not be happening. No way.

There is a long pause.

CEO:
(awkwardly)
So...

Kevin:
Wait, wait,wait... I know what this is about. You bastards.

Josh starts sobbing.

Josh:
(in a high-pitched whine)
I can't believe this... We work so hard... and they don't even know... and the wallabyandthepizzarollsandIcan'tevengetabunnyrabbit...

He breaks down into heavy sobs.

Kevin:
(gesturing to himself and Josh)
This is because of our sexual preferences, right?

Josh:
(still sobbing)
...ketchup packets and leotards...

Kevin:
That's bullshit. What kinda company is this?

Suit #2:
We assure you, sir, our decision has nothing to do with the two of you, personally. We simply feel that the product is too...

Kevin:
Oh, fuck off. This is some fucked-up repugnant shit. This... this... this... agression. It will not stand, man!

Josh lets out a loud, wailing noise.

Kevin:
Look at him! His dreams are crushed! He's just a poor little kid. Come here, baby...
(He takes Josh in his arms and cuddles him)
Shh...
(Spitefully, at the men)
You sharks.

Still cradling Josh and glaring at the executives, Kevin reaches into his jacket pocket and removes a flask. He takes a sip, and as Josh lets out another whimper, he puts it down on the table. He tends his weeping partner. The CEO picks up the flask, sniffs it and takes a sip. He stands up and passes the flask around. All of the executives drink from it.

CEO:
This... this is it! This is what we're looking for! It's delicious! What is it?

Josh:
(wiping away tears)
It's my own special mix.

Kevin:
It's umm.... blueberries, vanilla extract, basil, salt, and uh...

Josh:
grain alcohol... and blended eel.

Kevin:
And Red 40. For color.

(beat)

CEO:
Well shit, you little fairies have sold me! We'll have a contract readied immediately.

Josh:
Actually, umm... you should know that there is one side-effect... ummm... It makes you gay.

Suit #1:
What? How? Like, after repeated use?

Kevin:
No. Just one sip. And you're gay.

Josh:
(somberly)
In. Yo. Face.

CEO:
Well then. Ahem. We will see you gentlemen tomorrow evening.

Josh and Kevin:
Oh, thank you so much.

They both kiss the CEO on the cheek as they leave. He is slightly flustered by this, but accepts it. He turns to the board.

Boss:
Well then, next order of business...
(He becomes extremely fey, lisp and all)
Is this, or is this not... the most fabulous pair of shoes you have ever seen?!

All of the executives stand and applaud, gayly. Fade to black.

- Scott (In. Yo. Face.) Clayton

The Great Breakfast Debate

2007-06-22T22:59:00.000-05:00

In every vector of American life, the timeless argument continues...

We find our heroes at a booth in a true Americana diner.

"I'd go with the blonde," said Jack.
"Yeah, really that's interesting," said Brian sarcastically.
"Hey, what's the difference between pancakes and waffles?" Joe interjected.
There was a long pause...
"You're a stupid motherfucker, Joe," said Brian and we all shook our heads in a slushy mixture of disgust and agreement.
"No, I mean, besides the shape, it's the same fluffy batter shit, isn't it?"
"Although the brunette does dress better," Jack admitted.
"There is a difference..." I started.
"Does it really fuckin' matter?" interrupted Brian. He chose, at that moment, to emphasize his point by firing the spitball he had been moistening for the last few minutes directly at Joe. His saliva-soaked projectile, of course, missed its mark completely and stuck dutifully to the wall over Joe's right shoulder. Joe found this exchange reason enough to flip Brian not one, but two middle fingers.
"Oh, look at the legs on that new one," said Jack, as if the booth full of girls at the other end of the aisle were some sort of effeminate buffet. This new addition was, apparently, the prime rib.
"All right, I'll give you that one," agreed Brian.
"The point is, waffles are Belgian, pancakes are American," I said.
"I thought they were French, originally," said Joe.
"Fuck you," I decided.
"What's important is this: Pancakes ain't got no little fuckin' spots for syrup. Waffles are best." said Brian.
"True that," I agreed.
"Double true," finished Joe.
There was a long pause before Jack interrupted.
"Jesus Christ, look at the rack on that one."

Ah, another perfectly waged example of...

The Great Breakfast Debate.

- Scott Clayton
(The Waffle King hath returned)

Tonight, We Dine In Hell...

2007-03-18T17:57:00.000-05:00

Firstly, let me just inform you that, upon the initial writings of this post, I just saw 300. And by just, I mean that approximately two hours ago I was watching King Leonidas slay the alleged "immortals" on a plain of dirt and blood. It was insanely good, ridiculously awesome, and utterly masculine. I really do have a bloodlust now. But while I was watching, and even now, I was struck by the ultimate badassness of a figure like Leonidas. Then, I realized that there are several things which specifically make someone like that so badass:

The Apple - This was the first item I noticed. As Leonidas eats an apple after an extremely wicked battle, he spouts plenty of trash-talk. The apple is a symbol of carelessness and complete contempt for your opponent. "Look at me, I am so fuckin' bad that I am going to consume this piece of fruit right now, without worry." In settings outside of battle, the apple again makes you seem more hardcore, whatever you're doing. Discovering a new form of cold fusion? Eating an apple whilst explaining your invention makes you seem infinitely more badass. Interviewing a murder suspect? The apple strikes again, demonstrating a certain wantonness and ennui which just amplifies your badassness. I'm going to start carrying this extreme fruit wherever I go. I suggest you do the same.

The Eye Scar - While battling a sort of Persian giant, Leonidas nearly loses his eye, resulting in an ultra-cool wound from his left brow, over his eye, and down to his left cheek. This only results in a magnification of his masculinity and ultimate attitude.

Slow Motion - Everything is cooler in slow motion. I repeat, everything. Plus, destroying persons or things is possibly the greatest act that can happen in slow motion. This makes it indefinitely more badass than normal, which, we can say, is a substantial amount.

Oration - It's truly the ability to deliver an inspiring/meaningful speech at just about any time that makes a man like that so cool. Oh, we have to face an army several hundred times larger than our own? That's no problem, because I can produce an engaging, thrilling oration on the spot. Death, honor, glory - all topics that should be covered. Get everybody fueled.

Now, take careful time to consider all of these things... then go out, and DESTROY!

- Scott Clayton (This is his profession.)

Truly We Are The Bearers Of Freedom

2006-11-30T20:54:00.000-05:00

Just a few random (yet incredibly important) thoughts:

You know that feeling you get when you finish a box of Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats and there's all that sugary, delicious debris at the bottom? And there's just about enough left for a bowl, but it's in the disintegrated, unusable form? How bad do you feel throwing out something so delicious, just because it's not whole anymore? Yeah, it's tough. We'll work through it together. You're welcome.

We need to clone Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Single greatest president ever. He literally said, "Economic downturn? Fuck that!" He made that Great Depression his bitch. Not to mention the fact that he was just an all-around bad mothafucka. Bring him back to life, make him king of the world.

P.S. This is my greatest Paint masterpiece since the stingray. Click it for a heavy dose of Freedom. You're welcome.

Good news, TAP lovers. Now you, too, can help to spread the good word of our greatness. possibly the greatest piece of clothing ever created, these high-quality shirts were created by myself. Not to mention the fact that they guarantee you insane amounts of ass. Really, it's astonishing, the level of women who will agree to have sex with you just because of this. However, if you are a woman who recognizes our greatness, please feel free to wear this. And then marry me. But anyway, you're welcome.

http://dyo.customink.com/cink/r.jsp?E=spartacus891%40yahoo.com&F=ta

There are several new up-and-coming blogs I would like to cite as true Penguin-quality nighas. Firstly, B Park's Random Ramblings. This man is a scholar and a gentleman, however, he will not hesitate to fuck some mothafuckas up. Secondly, the new view that will revolutionize sports and possibly all of Canada, SportBanter. It's just "ballin'" Although I'm not really sure what that means. Then, I must recommend Application Scientific. These guys singlehandedly saved my laptop and sanity. Well done, men. Finally, a site for all the true Ninjas out there, BeatBoxGiant, home of "Ask A Ninja". If you don't love this, I will be forced to destroy you. You're welcome.

Let me say this: TAP deserves some sort of award. Look at the treasures we have brought to you over the years. Honor us and you will be recognized. You're welcome.

- The Honorable Scott Clayton

Better Than The Truth, Yet Again...

2006-11-20T15:23:00.000-05:00

Ladies and getlemen of the world, we here at The Angry Penguin are proud to bring you yet another year of chaos. As this November 19th was the second annual observance of the founding of TAP, we are exceptionally honored as you recognize our greatness with parades, parties, orgies, mass exoduses, pinatas, national holidays, riots, cupcakes, nudity, or the celebratory ritual of your choosing. Donations are welcome - money, watches, fine clothing or spices, gold bullion, girlfriends are all acceptable. Will may also be accepting human souls, check with him.

Oh, and for the record, you're welcome.

- Scott "The Legend Continues" Clayton

Prepare Yourselves, Humans!

2006-10-20T22:27:00.000-05:00

Now, I did not want to be the one to say this, but the world as you know it is about to come to an end. That's right. And you all know me, and both Will and Brendan will attest to my sanity, so do not mark me as a maniac. I'm just giving you the first warning. "The first warning about what?", you ask? Well, just the impending doom of our race.

There is a new enemy out there, people. They've lain dormant for so long, we let our guards down, and now they're starting to attack. That's right. The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin was the first. This man was almost second. These stingray accidents are not accidents at all, but the first wave of a larger attack. An attack on humanity, but more importantly, an attack on America. "But," you would say, "stingrays have no reason to attack America." And I shall say, "Oh, just the opposite." These are communist stingrays. They hate freedom. And they are willing to fight to the death. So prepare for battle, people. We're fighting for our survival here.

Studies show that communist stingrays are the leading cause of death in Australian wildlife documentarians and 81-year-old Floridian boaters this year. It's only a matter of time before they start targeting civilians. But fear not! I, your resourceful leader, have put together a short list of ways that you can help defend the human race.

Know Thy Enemy:

While you may expect the stingrays to maintain their natural camouflage, I assure you they will not. Once they finish this first wave of guerrilla style attacks, they will break out the red. Communist are always showboats. Everyone knows it. And, furthermore, do not assume that these animals are dumb. They are clever, sly, smart little pricks. Never, not for one minute, start to think you can trust these communist stingrays.

Be Prepared:

Remember, Americans, that you are the first line of defense against this vicious aquatic enemy. With that in mind, I want everyone to purchase at least one of these and one of these. It may be a bit unorthodox, but, trust me, it will come in handy. Now, we know that they like to go for the heart, so the vests should be able to protect us there. And the spearguns most certainly will come in to play. It is only a matter of time before these commies infiltrate and destroy a number of our dams, in addition to the polar ice caps, causing widespread flooding. That's when they bring the fight to us. And that's when we'll be armed.

Offensive Maneuvers:

Everyone knows that the best defense is a good offense. We need to get out there and start taking out stingrays whenever possible. I want full-scale attacks. All dredges, fishing boats, oil tankers, jet-skis and banana boats are to be on patrol at all times. This is not the time to wait, this is a time for action. We can destroy these red bastards before they can even get near us.

Don't worry, people. We'll all be fine. Just as long as we are all prepared to do our part, sacrifice a little, and, above all, support our troops. Because they're fighting those communist stingrays for us, for America, and for freedom.

- Scott Clayton (knows what to do when he sees a communist stingray. )

Roll Call. Just Say "Here".

2006-09-27T18:48:00.001-05:00

Alright kids, it's September, and we all know what that means - back to the the classroom. Now, being currently enrolled in high school, I have the opporunity to recognize daily the greatest weaknesses of the American education system. Namely, the teachers. That's right. It may surprise you, but teachers are actually the biggest detriment to modern learning. Whether you are a student now and/or have the cognitive capacity to recall your school experiences, I invite you to consider a number of examples:

The Whack Job - This is the most obvious of all teacher profiles. This person has trouble with basic day-to-day classroom functions. They also seem to think they do a superb job of teaching, although most students cease to respect them as a human being. Often, their entire class period consists of trying to turn on a simple projector, computer, or light switch. This teacher may or may not suffer from some insane mental condition, which causes them to change temper every 6.4 seconds. Mostly harmless, unless they begin throwing office supplies.

The Sarcastic Douche - This profile is also very easily indentifiable. Often, when leaving this teacher's class, one student will turn to the other and say, "That guy is a really big douche." This teacher hates the world (and themself) and tries to take it out on everyone they can. They usually try to cover this douchery with lame sarcasm. This sarcasm is almost always unfunny, and usually disgraceful. Sometimes, they have an asinine catchphrase or quote which they repeat incessantly, causing widespread hatred. It is possible to have a number of teachers fitting this profile, in which case, to reduce stress, students should have a "douche-off" to see which educator is, in fact, the douchiest.

The Icon - This profile, unlike the others, is actually a positive one. This teacher is so well-respected that they become a sort of legend in the school. Often, this iconic status will manifest itself in daily claims of outlandish superiority. (ie. omipotence, omniscience) The instructor will be beloved and exalted. Utimately, however, they will meet their match in Neil Begley.

The Mistake/The Pushover - This teacher should never have become a teacher. This is the kind of person who should be alphabetizing shelves in a Piggly Wiggly or crocheting monogrammed potholders for a living. This teacher comletely lacks the ability to control and organize a classroom environment. The class is often run by the students, who refuse to listen to anything the alleged teacher says. Often, this results in a sort of free-for-all which is very enjoyable for all students. This person should be fired immediately.

The Relic - This teacher has been educating students for close to 100 years, and is most assuredly boring as hell. The class seems to last forever, due to the complete lethargy induced by the sight of this teacher's ancient form. It is quite possible that this instructor taught your parents, your grandparents, perhaps even Jesus Christ himself. This person usually maintains the ability to teach, but in exchange, usually lacks the ability to walk, converse, or form coherent sentences. This teacher is the single most convincing argument for euthanasia.

Now these sorts of teachers can be seen throughout establishments of education nationwide. And, pending further debate, I propose my own solution: dissolve all modern schooling. That's right. If student's don't have to learn, then people can't fuck up their teaching. That's just pure logic. You know, you could learn a thing or two from me.

- Prof. Scott Clayton, DAP

To Whom It May Concern:

2006-07-28T00:50:00.000-05:00

I had a sudden striking thought the other day which could greatly affect the way we all look at the universe. And it is this:

If there is a God, he sure is getting lax on the smiting.

What the fuck? Why no more fire and brimstone? Back in the good old days there were people being turned into pillars of salt and fucking angels being cast down from heaven and men and women being driven from gardens and all kinds of God-administered destruction. Fucking Sodom and Gomorrah! The Great Flood! Those were big fucking events! God was pissed, so He destroyed a few million people (allegedly).

But not any more. You just don't see the kind of hands-on ruling like you used to. No one gets destroyed by plagues anymore. It's really no fun. If you're out there God, you had better wipe out a small country soon or I'm going to do it my damn self. Two words: Deep Impact. You've seen the movie? Make it happen.

I have no ending for this, so I take a small bow.

- Scott Clayton (holds the key to the Universe)

Truth In Advertising?

2006-04-25T21:58:00.000-05:00

In the local Rite-Aid, down the second aisle, on the left hand side, three quarters of the way down on the middle shelf, right next to the "Just For Men" hair color, lies the single most amusing article of hair products I have ever seen:

HEADLUBE

I laughed because it said "head". Then I laughed because it said "lube". Then I realized that combining the two ups the ante tenfold. It took a good 20 minutes for me to settle down and put all the dismantled products back on the shelf.

Afterwards, as I contemplated the life-altering events I had just experienced, I realized something. That product, no matter how effective or amazing or cheap they make it, will never last. Because no one wants to carry around a bright yellow Thermos labeled "Headlube".

Thus, we arrive at the first major point of product marketing mistakes: anything that resembles a sexual or explicit (read: hilarious) term ought to be avoided at all costs. Now, this might seem obvious, but you might be surprised at the number of products that fall into this trap. Next time you're in the store, look around. 1 in every 7 objects can be pointed at and giggled about.

And as a direct result of the first rule, many products fall victim to the second and opposite blunder: trying to make your product sound too badass. I don't care if it's H-UltraKickassPower₂O. It's still water. And no matter what you add to it, it's still just water with shit added to it. No one takes Electric Thunder Shaving Cream seriously. Nor do they really contemplate buying HellFireCool chewing gum. (Gum has two flavors: mint and gum. Stick to it, fucko.) Thus we arrive at the second major pitfall of product marketing.

So people please, if you're selling lemonade, don't call it Delicious Fruity Squeezers, because that's just too easy a target. And don't call it Hydro-Lemon Liquid-Ice Powerdrink. Because that's just trying too hard. Stick to a sign that just says "Lemonade".

And if you really want to sell me some, call it "Good Fuckin' Lemonade". But all I can say is, that better be good fuckin' lemonade, because I'm not paying 50 cents for some shitty sugar-mixture. I dont care if you start to cry, you little F-ing 8-year-old scam artist. Give me my motherfuckin' money back or I'll upend this whole god-damn table. Fine, get your fuckin' parents, I'll tell them what kind of illegal shit you're running out here. And this lemonade sucks! Fuckers!

- Scott Clayton (Is Fully Non-Refundable)

The Masters of Abstinence

2006-02-27T22:26:00.000-05:00

Well, My friend Michael and I have been working on a screenplay. No, not a porno screenplay... I have tried and failed at that; writing porn is not as easy as you might think. Anyway, you're welcome to leave some comments, but I really don't care what you douches think. I know its long, those with ADD, take it in doses. These are just a collection of small scenes. Premature thanks for those who like it. Those who don't.... lick my hairy cunt.

MASTERS OF ABSTINENCE. “THE SUEDE” EPISODE.
SCENE 1. WALKING UP RUE VAVIN, AFTERNOON.

Will: We need a plan. We have no plan.
Michael: No we don’t, not really.
Will: Yes we do. We’ve been here a day and we haven’t
really met any girls. We need a plan.
Brendan: Will, we don’t need a plan. That’s not how it
works.
Will: Well how does it “work” then?
Brendan: You don’t just get with girls. In Cambridge
you go out to dinner or something. You socialize.
Will: Well okay then. Let’s go out to dinner with
them. Let’s ask those girls we saw at lunch today.
Michael: What was her name? Sabrina? That’s the only
one I remember.
Will: Yeah. She was the hottest one.
Michael: The teenage witch.
Brendan: I was actually going to say that, but I
figured she must get it a lot.
Michael: Do you think?
Will: Good. Let’s do that then. We’ll ask them out to
dinner tonight.
Michael: I know a good steak place about 15 minutes
away.
Brendan: We’ll dress up and wear those shoes.
Will: Suede.

SCENE 2. THIRD FLOOR COMMON ROOM. 5:30.
Will: Mike, are you getting dressed?
Michael: Already?
Will: Yeah, well, it’s gonna take a while to get
dressed, and then we have to wait for them, and then
we have to get there.
Michael: Alright. What are we wearing?
Brendan (entering): Blazer, blue jeans, and button
down light blue shirt.
Michael: I don’t have a button down light blue shirt.
Brendan: You don’t?
Michael: I have a light blue polo.
Brendan: That’s fine.
Michael: Okay. Has anybody seen the girls,
incidentally?
Brendan and Will look at each other.
Both: Uh..no.
Will: One of us should go ask them, or find them, or
something.
Michael: Just wait for me to get dressed, okay?
Brendan: Course.
SCENE 3. DOWNSTAIRS.
Michael, Will, and Brendan walk through dressed
essentially identically; Will’s jacket has stripes.
Will and Brendan are wearing suede shoes.
Michael: I hate my hair at this point. It’s too short
to be short but it’s not long yet either. It’s just
kind of hair-indifference and I can’t do anything
about it.
Will: The middle length hair.
Michael: It’s like the Switzerland of hair.
Brendan: What?
Will: I’m liking these stripes.
They reach the main area, everybody reacts to their
being dressed up, the deans give them a ribbing over
it.
Frederick: Where are you guys going?
Brendan: Out to dinner.
Michael: At a steakhouse.
Girl #1: Why are you all dressed the same?
They look at each other.
Michael: Well we didn’t mean to.
Brendan: We all have the same clothes.
Will: We think alike.
Nancy: I like your shoes.
Will: They’re suede.
Nancy: Evidently.
Girl #2: Oh God, they’re wearing the same shoes!
Girl #1: That’s hilarious
Brendan: Come on, let’s go.
Michael: Where are they?
Frederick: Who?
Michael: No one.

SCENE 4. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL
Will: Great.
Brendan: Now we can’t go back in there.
Michael: What’d we all have to dress the same for?
Brendan: It just didn’t occur to me that it might look
odd.
Will: It’s kinda gay.
Michael: Not really.
Will: Yes it is.
Michael: It’s a little gay.
Will: At least.
Brendan: Well we all have little differences.
Will: I have the stripes.
Brendan: And Michael’s wearing a polo.
Michael: And the shoes are all a little different.
Will: It’s still kinda gay. Now we can’t go back in
there.
A group of girls walk by.
Girl #3: Ooh!
Girl #4: What are you guys all dressed up for?
Brendan: We’re going out to eat.
Girls laugh.
Girl #3: Why are you all dressed the same?
Michael: We’re not really.
Will: I have stripes!
Girl #3 (giggling): Well…have a nice time…at…dinner.
Brendan: Thank you.
They enter the building.
Will: This is ridiculous. We can’t stand here, either.
Brendan: No, I don’t care if people see us here.
Michael: This is pretty funny.
Will: I don’t think it’s funny.
Michael: It’s a little funny.
Brendan: I’m seeing the humor here.
Will: I’m not. This isn’t the plan.
Michael: I think this will be really funny in a few
weeks.
Will: It’s not funny now though.
Michael: It’s a little funny now.
Brendan: I’m definitely seeing the humor here.
Will: We can’t all be dressed like this.
Brendan: Well then one of us should take off his
jacket.
Michael: Well I’m not taking off mine.
Brendan: Neither am I.
Will: But I have the stripes. I’m sure as hell not
taking off mine.
Brendan: Tough.
Will: Mine’s the cool one! It’s unique. Yours look
exactly the same! You have the gold buttons.
Michael: I can’t just wear the polo and the jeans; I’m
too underdressed then.
Brendan: And I just don’t want to take mine off.
Will: I have the stripes!
Brendan: Stop crying.
Michael: What’s worse, losing the stripes, or us all
looking the same.
Will: Oh fine.
Brendan: Look for the girls as long as you’re in
there.
Will: Yeah yeah. He re-enters the building.
Michael: It’s a little funny.
Brendan: I see the humor here.
Michael: I can’t believe we all dressed the same.
Brendan: It’s not that bad.
Michael: They just don’t get it.
Brendan: Philistines.
Michael: Steven Farrelly-Jackson. He would get it.
Brendan: Steven Farrelly-Jackson. He would definitely
get it.

BREAK. RE-OPEN to find BRENDAN and MICHAEL still
waiting.
Michael: What the hell is taking him so long?
Brendan: Well he has to wait for the girls.
Michael: They could be anywhere in the city.
Brendan: That was what was convenient about Cambridge.
The common spaces; everybody was in one of two places.
Michael: And the city was so small; if they weren’t in
the JCR or the field, they would be soon, cause there
was nothing to do.
Brendan: Exactly.
Michael (laughing): This is pretty funny.
Brendan: It’s getting funnier.
Michael: He’s been in there like 15 minutes.
Brendan: Here-here he comes.
Michael: Finally.
Will: Great. This is just great.
Michael: What happened?
Will: Well first, when I came in, they all asked ‘Back
so soon?’ And then, when I came downstairs after
putting away my jacket, Fred the dean was like ‘Hey,
what did you put away your jacket for? Yours was the
cool one! It had stripes!’ I told you I shouldn’t have
put mine away!
Michael: The stripes are immaterial. Don’t worry.
Brendan: So…did you see the TW?
Will: TW?
Brendan: Teenage witch.
Will: Right. No, I waited in there for 10 minutes
feeling like an idiot cause I didn’t have my stripes,
and then I cam out here. I saw them walk by.
Michael: What?
Will: They came out of the cafeteria and went up the
stairs.
Brendan: You didn’t talk to them?
Will: Well there wasn’t really an opportunity to.
Brendan: Pussy.
Will: There was no opportunity!
Brendan: Pussy.
Michael: Well then I guess one of us has to go in now.
Brendan: I’ll go in.
Michael: K.
Brendan: Pussy.
Will: There was no opportunity!
Brendan re-enters the building.
Will: They’re pretty hot.
Michael: Sabrina is possibly the hottest one here.
Will: Well we haven’t seen many of them.
Michael: No, no we haven’t. But I think she’s still up
there.
Will: Yeah. Definitely. Cowboy girl isn’t bad either.
Michael: Word.
Will: I’m a big fan.
Michael: She smokes a lot, though.
Will: She does?
Michael: She walked by and she reeked of it.
Will: Well she walked by. She could have just been
near smoke or something.
Michael: Or she could have been smoking.
Will: Doesn’t bother me too much.
Michael: I’m not a fan.
Will: I’m a big fan of Victoria, the short blonde one.
Like the short blondes.
Michael: Not a huge fan of short blondes.
Will: How can you not be a fan of short blondes?
Michael: Well they’re hot and everything, but if
they’re too short, I feel too tall.
Will: That’s bullshit. They’re hot.
Michael: The hot ones are definitely hot. But I can’t
say I’m out of my mind for a Victoria type.
Will: Eh, I gotta disagree, man. But we need a
nickname for her.
Michael: How about like Queen Victoria? “The Queen?”
Will: That’s good.
Brendan exits the building.
Michael: So what happened? Where are they?
Brendan: Well I saw them, and I said, ‘Michael, Will,
and myself were thinking of going to a local
steakhouse tonight, and we were wondering if you’d
care to join us.’ So they seemed interested, but they
said they’d already had dinner—that must’ve been when
they were going to the cafeteria, Will—and they were
too full. But they said maybe another night, for sure.
Will: So it wasn’t a complete turn-down.
Brendan: No, it wasn’t a complete turn-down.
Michael: Still, we missed our chance.
Brendan: Yes. We did indeed miss our chance.
Will: That’s good though. At least we didn’t get
rejected.
Michael: We didn’t make anti-progress.
Will: Did it sound like she really meant it when she
said we should do it another time?
Brendan: Yeah—I mean, I think so.
Michael: Now what the hell are we gonna do?
Brendan: I’m a little pissed off now.
Will: I’m really pissed off. Really really pissed off.
Michael: I mean, we can’t very well go back into the
cafeteria now, can we?
Another group of girls walk by.
Girl: Hey! What are you guys all dressed up for?
Michael: Does it really matter?
Brendan: That’s just how we roll, ladies.
Girl: That’s really weird.
Will: Shit.
Michael: It really doesn’t make any difference now.
Will: I’m really pissed off. Really really pissed off.
Michael: Do you want to go out to dinner anyway, now?
Brendan: Sure.
Will: I guess.
They start walking.
Michael: I still think this is pretty funny.
Brendan: It’s getting funnier.
Will: It’ll be funny later.
Brendan: I think it’s funny now.
Will: It’s so gay. We’re all dressed the same—why
didn’t we think of that?
Michael: It’s not that gay.
Brendan: Relax.
Will: Where are we eating?
Michael: It was…here, I think it’s this place. It
looked decent.
Brendan: “La Mama”?
Will: Just when this couldn’t get any gayer.
Michael: Come on, come on. We can’t go back to the
cafeteria now anyway.
Will: Yeah, you’re right.

LATER—EXITING THE CAFETERIA.
Brendan: There was too much cheese on my pizza.
Michael: Too much cheese?
Brendan: It was a really uneven cheese-to-sauce ratio.
Will: Not a big fan of the uneven cheese-to-sauce
ratio.
Brendan: No, they have to be basically equal,
otherwise the whole thing is ruined.
Will: So they didn’t really reject us.
Brendan: No. They didn’t really reject us. Cowgirl
boy…(pause)…cowboy girl…cowgirl seemed disappointed
that they couldn’t go.
Will: Well that’s good, anyway.
Michael: I think it’s raining.
Will: Oh shit.
Brendan: Is it really raining?
Michael: Yeah.
Will: The shoes! They’re suede!
Brendan: They’ll be ruined!
Will: Let’s run back!
Brendan: We must preserve the shoes!
They begin running down Rue Vavin back to the school.
Along the way, the pass the first group of girls.
Girl #1: Hey look, guys! Now they’re running! (All
girls laugh)
Will: They’re SUEDE!

_________________________________________________

SCRIPT 2: “THE FOMO”

Brendan: There’s that Jay character.
Michael: Elliot. Messing round with my woman.
Brendan: Is Anthea your woman?
Michael: We were partners in a bonding exercise. It
counts.
Will: I don’t think that counts.
Michael: It was sarcasm. If this was a sitcom, there’d
be laugh track there.
Brendan: What’s this pink scarf shit?
Michael: Pretending to be gay for the chicks.
Will: He’s a fomo!
Brendan: A what?
Will: A fomosexual! He pretends to be gay!
Michael: A fomo!
Juliette (sitting down): Who’s a fomo?
Will: Jay’s a fomo!
Juliette: Huh?
Michael: He pretends to be gay so he can get with you!
Brendan: Don’t fall for it.
Juliette: Eew no, he keeps on feeling us up! Or trying
to! He kept inching his hand up Anthea’s leg on the
subway.
Michael: Pshaw.
Brendan: Fomo.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fiona: So are you a music snob like Brendan?
Michael: Maybe.
Fiona: What kind of music do you listen to?
Michael: 60s rock is my favorite.
Fiona: Like Jimi Hendrix?
Michael: Yeah, wait, say that again.
Fiona: What?
Michael: Jimi Hendrix. I’m pretty sure you said it as
though his name was “Jimmy”, like “J-I-M-M-Y”, but
it’s “Jimi”, “J-I-M-I”. You exaggerated the “mmeee”
part, as though he had the extra ‘m’ and a ‘y’. It’s
“Jimi”, like that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will: So Emily walked by while Grace and I were
talking.
Michael: Yeah?
Will: I got an awkward hello.
Michael: Really?
Will: She said “hey” to Grace normally, and then she
said “Hi…” to me.
Michael: That’s really awkward.
Will: It’s one of the most awkward hellos I’ve ever
gotten.
Michael: Are you positive she wasn’t just distracted?
Will: Please. Grace got a normal hello. I got an
awkward hello.
Michael: I don’t know, man.
Will: Things…things are not looking good.
Michael: Drop her, man.
Will: I can’t, yet.
Michael: I can’t GET NO…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will: So?
Michael: We’re friends. I’m her friend.
Will: Not good.
Michael: All that. We’re friends. I’m her friend. I’m
the friend.
Will: Is that what she said?
Michael: That’s what she said. I’m her friend. I’m the
friend. I’m the friend, Will! She thinks we’re
friends!
Will: Not a big fan of the friend.
Michael: I hate the friend.
Will: I’m not usually the friend.
Michael: I’m always the friend. All that, she thinks
we’re friends. I spent all that time so we could be
friends. We’re friends. I’m her confidante,
apparently.
Will: Is that what Cristina said?
Michael: Yeah. She said she thinks I’m her friend.
Will: You don’t want to be her confidante.
Michael: I know I don’t!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael: Check it out
Brendan: What?
Michael: I got this orange peel off all in one peel.
Brendan: No way
Michael: Hell yes
Will: All in one peel?
Michael: All in one peel.
Will: So it fits back together?
Michael: Yeah
Brendan: Lemme see that (takes peel)
Will: You didn’t drop any specks?
Michael: No specks!
Brendan: Dude, I gotta hand it to you…
Michael: That’s my big achievement for the day
Brendan plays with the orange peel lying on the
chairs, transfixed.
Will: You know you should’ve taken them up on that
invitation.
Michael: What invitation?
Will: Just now, when the R-dawg and her crew invited
you to go on that picnic. You should take them up on
that.
Brendan: This is really cool.
Emily: What are you doing?
Brendan: I’m getting in tune, man
Michael: He’s turning off his mind
Brendan: Relax
Michael: And float downstream
Emily: You guys are really weird. (Will looks
uncomfortable)
Michael: Well I didn’t want to go on a picnic with 5,
no, 6 girls, y’know? It’s kinda overwhelming.
Will: It’s pussy.
Michael: There’s pussy fucking everywhere! I had to
buy fruit. My fruit stash was low.
Will: Ya I know that, but still, you shoulda…
Michael: It was worth it—have you ever gotten an
orange off in one peel like that?
Brendan: You should’ve gone though
Nancy: All right, you guys. You know the rules. No
food here. Throw that orange peel away, Brendan.
Brendan: It’s not mine. I’m holding it for a friend.
Michael: I got it off in one peel.
Nancy: Throw it away.
Michael: I bet no other Oxbridge student has done
that.
Nancy: No food here, guys.
Michael: Aren’t you impressed?
Nancy: Brendan, throw it away
Brendan: My uncle gave it to me to give to my parents!
It’s not mine.
Michael: You think I should go find them in the park?
Will: Yeah, why not? You’re done buying fruit
Michael: Yeah but we’ve got like five minutes now.
Emily (leaving): Who?
Michael: I got invited to a picnic but I had urgent
fruit needs.
Brendan: You are what you eat.
Michael: Well then you certainly aren’t pussy.
Brendan: Hell no.
Will: See, I would eat out, just for the hell of it.
Just to make her feel good, you know?
Brendan: Oh hell no. I’d never do that. It’s
disgusting.
Michael: I dunno if I’m that dogmatic about it…what if
you got head in return?
Will: Yeah.
Brendan: Yeah, I guess in that case, maybe…but not
just for the hell of it. That’s gross.
Michael: And it could smell like tuna fish.
Will: If it’s unkept.
Brendan: Yeah.
Michael: Otherwise it smells like the meadow Julie
Andrews frolics through at the beginning of The Sound
of Music.
Will: What the hell?
Michael: Have you never seen that movie?
Brendan: Hell no, cracka!
Michael: I saw it on TV when I was in Salzburg; it was
the only thing in English on.
Will: Riiight.
Brendan: That’s what they all say
Michael: It’s a damn good thing Emily left, don’t you
think?
Brendan: I think you would’ve been getting some
awkward hellos there.

-Will "The Master of Abstinence" Penney ( and Honorary Penguin, Michael Bleicher)

To Be A Man Of Valor

2006-01-04T15:15:00.000-05:00

So, it's been awhile, but we're still here. Don't worry.

I suggested to my friend Michael recently that he should grow a beard. He refused. So I present this list in the hopes he will change his mind:

Top 10 Reasons Michael Chilton Should Grow A Beard

10. It makes you look bad-ass. (Totally.)

9. Saves money on toiletries. (No need to shave.)

8. It keeps your face warm. (Especially important in these winter months.)

7. Why not? (Probably the best argument I've ever heard.)

6.Provide shelter for baby birds. (Or fully-grown birds if your beard is big enough.)

5. It will get you more Myspace friends. (This won't make sense until I tell you that Chilton has over 26,000 Myspace friends. That's a ridiculous number.)

4. Good place to store food. (Also important in the winter months.)

3. Lucrative pirating opportunities. (All pirates have beards.)

2. Wayne Gretzky did it. (Chilton plays hockey.)

1. If Chuck Norris has one, so should you.

Come on, Chilton. Grow a beard.

- The Beardless Yet Incredibly Rugged Scott Clayton

We Are Truly The Greatest

2005-11-19T15:23:00.000-05:00

Ladies, gentlemen, and various other quasi-intelligent life forms, I would like to thank you all. Today is the 19th of November - a landmark date in the history of the world. For it was on this date in 2004 that the first post of The Angry Penguin was released to the public. After one year, we have experienced some very good posts and some dry periods. But, at this time, we think that The Penguin is really picking up speed. Thanks for your support, and don't forget to tell your friends.

- Scott "The Legend Is Only Beginning" Clayton

MC Hammer Will p0wn Your Ass

2005-10-30T23:16:00.000-05:00

You crazy rapping bastards are getting out of hand. Seriously. I can understand your need to communicate your unhappiness with cultural disadvantage via your form of musical expression, that is, rap. But please, for the sake of American culture and sanity, stick to what you're good at. Case in point:

Kanye West - Way to play the race card, a-hole! Do you even listen to the words that come out of your mouth? Next time, read the goddamned cue cards.

R. Kelly - As if there was not already way to much controversy concerning your sexual preferences, you have decided to release what appears to be a ten-act play disguised as a rap song called "Trapped In The Closet". You do know that that phrase has a rather homosexual basis, right? From what I have gathered, this musical travesty is about a large web of adultery centered around the main character. Now, there is much infidelity in our world today, and he's not wrong about that. But, I for one, dislike receiving world views from a man suspected of urinating on little girls. Maybe I'm asking too much. The worst part of the whole ordeal was his 'performance' at some shitty MTV award show. First of all, he does not sing the narration. He just mouths the lines of all four/five characters as they are played over the speakers, and proves himself to be an all-around douche.

Diddy - You decided to cut off the P because your fans couldn't spell it? You have changed your name so many times, that I have resigned to addressing you as 'fuckface'. It makes things so much easier. Anyway, I saw this new season of "Making The Band 2 - Season 3" or something equally as handicapped. I distinctly remember a bunch of prissy fucking bitches having to run 6 miles. Why? Well, apparently the ability to travel long distances on foot is a prerequisite for becoming a sucky pop group. But what got me was you riding in a god-damned horse drawn carriage with a megaphone. Ladies and gentlemen: NEVER GIVE THIS MAN A MEGAPHONE EVER! It's bad enough he gets microphones. Anyway fuckface, I remember you saying something along the lines of "I can't wait until we get up to this big hill I used to run." Yeah, we know. You ran a marathon. Good for you. Start a fucking pop group. Or don't. MTV can use your time slot to rerun episodes of "The Real World". In another instance, I read about how you thought the world was ready for a "black James Bond". First off, no. And secondly, if we (the white man) were planning on casting a black James Bond, it would certainly not be you. I recommend Wesley Snipes. But not you. And lose the toothpick, fuckface.

- Scott Clayton "doesn't care about black people"

Note: The above does not represent my actual feeling, but is used only as a point of mockery.

English As A Second Language

2005-09-12T22:04:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I have discovered (invented?) one of the most amazing words ever. Prepare yourselves:

Meh.

That's it. Just 'meh'. Why is that so great, you say? It's not even a real word. Well, to that I say... meh. Think about it. (Put the emphasis on the 'm')

"How's work?"
"Meh."

"Hey Johnny how are ya? How's school?"
"Meh."

"Sir, do you even know what malignant means?"
"Meh."

Often accompanied by a shrug and/or deliberate blink, the term embodies so much more than just a sound. It transmits a direct feeling of complete and utter disinterest. It says everything without actually saying anything. Try it. You won't be disappointed.

- Scott "I really couldn't care less" Clayton

It Gives You Wings

2005-06-11T01:07:00.000-05:00

I have made a major discovery. I was sitting around at work, when we decide to crack open a few Red Bulls. "Why?" you ask. Why not? Now I am not a fan of energy drinks, mainly because it is a big scam. They bottle sugar water and sell it as Kazaam! or some other crap name like that. So, not being a fan of energy drinks, I had never actually had a Red Bull before. After a few sips, and once initial vomit taste subsided, I made this discovery: Red Bull is piss. Really. I am fairly confident that Red Bull is actually carbonated bull pee cleverly disguised as an energy drink. Firstly, it smells like piss. Trust me, it's bad. Secondly, it looks like piss. A heavy yellow color. A little dark, but perhaps that's just how bull piss is. I wouldn't know. But here is what confirmed my suspicions. On the front of the can, in blatent white letters it says "With Taurine". Now, I have never heard of Taurine, and therefore, it must not exist. Using my superior knowledge of Latin, I assure you that the Latin word for bull is taurus. Bull urine. Taurus urine. Taurine. They made that word up. It also states on the front of the can that it"Vitalizes Body and Mind" This may be true. But if so, it is not because of all the vitamins and sugar in it. It is because of the energy-inducing powers of carbonated bull urine. So the next time you are out, buy one, drink it. You will prove my major discovery: Red Bull is piss.

- Scott "Tastes Like Cough Syrup" Clayton

Just Like The Justice League ... But Better

2005-05-23T19:11:00.000-05:00

Let me begin by informing you that I wrote this one day in History class. I'm not quite sure why. As you walk in to class, there is sometimes a question relating to the day's topic on the board. You are to write roughly a paragraph on your opinion, and then you are free to share your thoughts with the class. The question was this:

The purpose of the "Immigration Restriction League" is to keep out "undesirable" immigrants. Should this league exist? Why or why not?

My answer?

Yes, the "Immigration Restriction League" should exist. By keeping out "undesirable immigrants" they keep America safe and preserve our way of life. We can't just let anybody be walking around our country.

A sufficient answer, some would say, but I felt more coming...

Plus, someone has to keep out those damned Canadians. In addition, I think we should institute a Justice League. It seemed to work well on the cartoon. Plus, it would create a new job market for evil geniuses and criminal masterminds, not to mention sidekicks, evil scientists, and henchmen. One thing we need, though, is Aqua-Man. Sometimes they leave him out. But you never know when you might need an aquatically-adept team member. I'm pretty sure Batman can't swim. And we need to avoid things like the Wonder Twins. Their rings remind me too much of Captain Planet. How did they get to be in the Justice League anyway? They're fourteen year old kids in purple spandex. I wouldn't hire them. How much did the Justice League get paid? I'm not sure, but I'll tell you one thing, the new JLA is working on commission. A set amount for every bad guy they bring in. That'll keep them from getting lazy. Of course, they'll have to wait 8-10 business days to recieve their checks. And I'm not afraid to tax them either. One must keep one's superheroes under control. I don't think we should call them superheroes either. It makes them seem better than everyone else. Ours will be called "Enhanced Ability Operatives". Nor will they be permitted to wear capes unless on duty. Grown men walking the streets of New York in tights I can understand, but grown men walking the streets of New York in tights and capes is just unreasonable. The new base of operations for the new, improved Justice League will be in New York. Or maybe Seattle. It would be cool to have the base in the Space Needle. But if that was closed to the public, there would be no more tourists, and Seattle's fragile economy would probably collapse. Does the base have to be in a secret, undisclosed location? I mean, as the Justice League of America, they should be able to protect themselves. I don't think any criminal in their right mind would venture anywhere near that place. Are they afraid of getting mail-bombed? I suppose they could just have Superman x-ray the parcel. Plus, if it does explode, he could just walk away from the blast unscathed. How come his clothes never get burned or torn or incinerated? That must be some ultra-powerful spandex. I suppose we'll have to give them a uniform allowance as well. Do they do their own laundry? Who cleans their base anyway? Probably Wonder Woman. She can wash the dishes while the men fight crime. She doesn't have any superpowers anyway. She has bullet-deflecting cufflinks and a "Lasso of Truth". Does the lasso actually work? Frankly, if I'm about to be pummeled by ridiculously strong superheroes, I'm going to avoid lying as much as possible. There's no need for a magic fuckin' rope.

- Scott Clayton AKA "Mr. Fantastic"

PS. Don't let the signature fool you. If I were a superhero, I'd so be Green Lantern.

Don't Panic

2005-04-29T21:29:00.000-05:00

Today was it. April 29th. We had been awaiting this day for so long.

After school, Will, Brendan, Jack, Bob, and I went to see The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Will and I even brought our towels. Brendan didn't know where his was. (Brendan = strag)

All in all, it wasn't too bad of a movie. Definitely not even in the same Galaxy as the book, but it wasn't as much of a disgrace as I expected it to be. Martin Freeman was obviously good as Arthur Dent. Mos Def I very much liked as Ford. And Sam Rockwell did alright with Zaphod. Although due to that idiotic subplot with Humma Kavula, he was acting drunk for half the movie.

Jack had this to say about the movie: "I thought it was groovy, but I didn't read the book, which must be exponentially better."

He is absolutely right. Although a true hitchhiker probably would have used the phrase "infinitely better". We're still working on Jack.

How would one describe the movie? I think it's safe to say that it's:

Mostly Harmless

- President of the Imperial Galactic Government Scott Clayton

The Food Rules

2005-04-27T20:44:00.000-05:00

Sorry we haven't updated in a while, but we are undertaking a new project. It is this:

The Food Rules

We are going to try and update that site with a new rule daily. So bear with us. But be careful, because bears kill people.

A Haiku For You

2005-04-06T21:10:00.000-05:00

In English yesterday, we briefly mentioned haiku and read a couple. They were fairly good, but I knew I could do much better. So here are a few I concocted throughout the day:

You wish to battle?
Then we will fight for our honor
I know Jujitsu

The chicken is dead
She produces no more eggs
Pancakes for breakfast

Dingos are not smart
I caught one and tamed it
I ride it around

Barrels of apples
It took all day to pick them
Slavery is hard

It has bitten me!
Squirrels do not make very good pets
I may have rabies

Snowman is melting
Damn you infernal sunlight
Now he's a puddle

Sack of potatoes
It tumbles down the staircase
Who the hell threw that?

Will is a Mexican
So he is good at lawn care
And washing dishes

Kittens in a box
Only fifteen dollars each
I'll take the black one

Gladiator skills
I drowned a guy in some soup
I am Spartacus

Lightning hit my cat
Static electricity
Makes him all poofy

Blog Ho loves the cunt
He fills his with nacho cheese
I wish I had one

Pretty goddamn good right? Perhaps I'll work on some more and post them regularly. Anyway, here's the quote of the day:

While discussing an attractive young lady he plans on pursuing-
"So my strategy is: she's pretty much small enough that I can rape her pretty easily."
-Pete

- Scott "sekkusu ga umai" Clayton

"Celebrity Block"

2005-03-26T22:06:00.001-05:00

I have a new idea for a reality show. I know, I dislike them as well, but mine will be better. It's called "Celebrity Block" and it follows the lives of certain celebrities as they do their time. Michael Jackson, Martha Stewart, Kobe Bryant, Lil' Kim, Courtney Love, Bill O'Reilly, Scott Peterson. We take you inside their cells, their prisonyards, their executions, to bring you quality home entertainment. As for getting cameras into the jails, I'm sure the government will comply. Jails don't really get alot of publicity these days. And for a small bribe, I'm sure we can get these celebs into a cell with some guy named Bubba from Arkansas who killed 19 goats and ate their flesh, or a black ex-prostitute named Sharonda who killed some white girl for standing on her corner. And with the cameras, you know the guards and other prisoners will play it up. The beatings will be even more brutal, the cavity searches will be even more inhumane, and the stabbings will be staged right in front of the cameras. What will really set the show apart, though, is the formation of two rival gangs. I think Bill O'Reilly and Martha Stewart will square off immediately. Bill will have Peterson and Kobe hurling insults at Democrats, while Martha shows MJ, Kim and Courtney Love how to make a throw rug out of pine cones and lint. Unfortunately I think that the O'Reilly Faction will win any fight-riots that break out. Come on, you have a cold-blooded killer, a 6"7" basketball player, and an sexual-harassment-prone Irishman against a drunken slut, a rapping slut, a Satanist homemaker, and a little boy in a half-plastic shell. My money's on the O'Reilly Faction. But you have to tune in to find out...

- "I'm Scott, and you're not"

The Return of Bloodninja?

2005-03-16T17:49:00.000-05:00

Many of you may have read in a previous post The Saga of Bloodninja. He was a geat man, and I dedicate the following cyber chat to him.

x0x0julie: Wanna cyber?
Soulman: ok
x0x0julie: you start.
Soulman: no you go
x0x0julie: Okay. I take off my shirt and bra and show you my perky DD breasts.
Soulman: I start lickin yr tits
x0x0julie: I take off your pants and grab your tiny dick.
Soulman: Hey!
x0x0jule: Wow, that is small…
Soulman: No its not!
x0x0julie: I’m sorry, you’re right… lets keep on going.
Soulman: I stick myself inside of you
x0x0julie: How? You didn’t even take off my panties.
x0x0julie: That’s impossible.
Soulman: I took em off as I did it
x0x0julie: As you pull down my panties my nine inch dick falls out.
x0x0julie: I wield it like a sword, and slap your face with it.
Soulman: wtf?
x0x0julie: Why don’t we swordfight? Tiny dagger vs. broadsword.
x0x0julie: Hello? Are you there? Lets keep going.
Soulman: keep doin wat
x0x0julie: I tie you down and teabag you
x0x0julie: As you scream for mercy
Soulman: I bite it
x0x0julie: Oh God!? Why would you do that? It’s bleeding everywhere!
Soulman: lol
Soulman: g2g

First off, Why the hell would he keep on talking to me after I said I had a dick..? It might have had to do with the fact that he was probably 13 and never cybered a girl in his life. But maybe now he'll think twice before trying to cyber someone again. God knows we don't more horny guys on the interent looking for cybersex. Because we all know the only girls that cyber them back are the fat ones... gross. Either that or they're 40 year old men. Just remember kids, if they want to meet up with you, tell them to fuck off! They're just horny old men. Either way, this kids is scarred for life. More cyber chats to come...

-Will aka "x0x0julie"

But The Trees Are Our Friends!

2005-03-15T18:05:00.000-05:00

Do you know what I can't stand? (Well, if you're a regular reader, you can list quite a few things) But, specifically, I can't stand nature-loving dickweeds and their all-natural food rave. I don't want food grown naturally in Cambodia without pesticides or growth hormones. I want my fucking potatos grown in an American lab somewhere in New Mexico, injected with it's weight in hormones, and hosed down daily with pesticides. I want it to be twice as big as a normal potato, and fucking delicious. I'm tired of all these freaking hippies trying to stop genetic "fucking-around-with" of foods. Animals especially. I don't care if you have to shoot a cow with fucking gamma-rays, I want the best f-ing steak science can buy. Anyone who's afraid to eat fish grown in a tank because they might get cancer is a asswipe. Do you know what else you can get cancer from? Cell phones (supposedly, I doubt it), the sun, car exhaust. Let's live in a fucking hole in the ground and never come out, eh? As for the rest of you, who only buy from the "organic" aisle, you are all a bunch of asscrackers. All food is organic, otherwise it wouldn't be food. Metal - inorganic; plastic - inorganic; essentially anything that contains carbon - organic. See how that works? And you can read this, from my friend Dick Taverne. He knows what is really going on.

- Secretary of War Scott Clayton

Chain Mail is the Devil's Creation

2005-03-13T02:21:00.000-05:00

Just recently, I recieved an e-mail that read like this:
--------------------------------------
WhY bOyZ ShOuldNt ChEaT oN gIrLs'

There was once a girl named Ashley who had a boyfriend
named Jack.
Jack was the most popular guy in school. The three most
popular girls were Courtney, ASHLEY, and Emma.
Jack thought of Ashley as OKAY, but he REALLy liked Courtney.
Courtney liked jack also. Well of course she did, everyone did!
Ashley and Courtney were worst enemies. Courtney tried to steal Jack away
everytime she had a chance to.
One day, Courtney asked Jack if he wanted to go to the movies.
Ashley heard everything....what movie theatre and what time.
Ashley approached the movies that night and followed Jack and Courtney.
Ashley sat right behind them. she watched them get close to each
other and kiss....not only kiss, but practically get it on in the theatre.
Courtney told jack "Do you want to come to my place and skip this boring
movie?"
He replied "hell yes."
Ashley had peeked through Courtney's window. Jack and her
were messing around and Ashley watched the whole thing.
The next day at school Ashley wasn't there. For the next few days Ashley
wasn't there. A week later her mother found her in her closet
dead... she commited suicide because she had loved Jack so much.
Next to ashley's dead body was a note.
A note that read:
My dearest Jack, I watched you at the
movie and at Courtney's house and I will continue to watch you.
I never thought you would do something like this to me. I really loved you jack.
I died for you just
like Jesus died for us.
Always with you, Ashley
Please foward this to more than 15 people or Ashley will haunt
you and try to kill you because she wants everyone to know about Courtney.
Thank you.
--------------------------------------

As you have probably all figured out, I am now going to rip this e-mail a new asshole. First, let's take a look at the title. Every other letter is capitalized, and the apostrophe from shouldn't has somehow migrated to the end of the title. Obviously written by a teenage girl. (see also) Moving on, the setup of the "story" is completely ridiculous. She just happens to overhear everything. Not just some of it. Everything. Obviously a well-planned and thought-out plot. I applaud thee. Let me address the use of idiotic terminology within this fine piece of literature. Firstly, "get it on"? Who the hell uses that phrase? No one in their right mind, surely. Secondly, "hell yes". That is just complete tomfoolery. That phrase is, from this point on, banned from the Penguin. Yes, that's right, I can do it. Anyway, this is where the story gets interesting. Apparently our poor Ashley has gone from innocent victim to creepy stalker, in just one sentence. So, Ashley commits suicide (which is a whole new topic that will hopefully be addressed in a future post) and her mother finds her a week later. A week. In her closet. Apparently when Ashley doesn't come downstairs for 6 days, that's not such a big deal in her household. But on the 7th day, Ashley's mom got a little suspicious. Good detective work mom. And then there's the note. Seems normal until we reach the last line. "I died for you, just like Jesus died for us." Cue the random religious reference. Who the fuck pulled that line out of their ass? Last time I checked, God wasn't a big fan of suicide. And if He is, then the Haley-Bopp Cult was right all along. And then - the piece de resistance - the ending. Apparently Ashley, along with the perpetuators of this e-mail, think that killing anyone with internet access and a Hotmail account will prevent people from cheating. I'm probably gonna have to disagree with you there. And read carefully, it says "more than 15 people". What about the guy who misreads it and sends it to exactly 15 people? He's pretty much fucked. But now, I'd like to finish with what I think is the proverbial "nail in the coffin" of this e-mail.

Immediately, my reply to the sender of this chain letter was: What happened to Emma? She is specifically mentioned in the opening, then never again referenced in the story. Here's what I think:

Actually, Emma was completely ignored until one day she got run over by a bus. But everyone was so concerned with that fucking idiot Ashley, that no one noticed. So I think the lesson here isn't "don't cheat". I think it's "don't forward retarted fake e-mails about some douchebag girl because you might forget that you live in the real world."

- Scott "Back-With-A-Vengeance" Clayton

Don't Forget to Bring Your Towel

2005-03-08T20:16:00.000-05:00

As you all know we here at the Penguin are incredible fans of Douglas Adams's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Actually, I'm not sure about Brendan. But most definitely Will and myself.)

Anyways, as you all should know by now, the text is to be embodied in what appears to be the cinematic event of the century. You must all now read the book, watch the trailer, and see the movie.

April 29th - Plan the next few months of your life accordingly.

- President of the Imperial Galactic Government Scott Clayton

Take That Chuck E. Cheese!

2005-03-02T22:04:00.000-05:00

Here's what I love about America:

Man loading up on salad at Chuck E. Cheese ends up getting tazered by a couple of old cops in front of dozens of kids.

I think I had a dream like this once. But in the end of mine, Bruce Lee kills the robotic Chuck E. Cheese. Anyway, this story has it all - salad pilfering, tazers, crying little kids and most importantly tazers. This could win an Emmy, or an Oscar, or a Grammy, or a Kid's Choice Award. Whatever the hell they're giving out this week.

If I were those cops I would have had a little more fun with him first. Let him get up, then tazer him to the ground again. Repeat at least 30 times. Then throw him into the ball pit. Let him wake up 3 hours later locked in a dark Chuck E. Cheese. That's possibly the scariest thing ever. Chuck E. Cheese is fucking creepy.

- Scott "I-Got-Skills-Like-Bruce-Lee" Clayton

Silence of the Lambs... The musical

2005-02-13T21:23:00.000-05:00

No... its not a real musical. These two guys decided to make some songs about it, and its pretty damn funny. You can spend many long hours listening to it while sipping cognac in front of a fire..... and its good wholesome family fun!

Silence! The musical !

I recommend the songs "If I Could Smell Her Cunt" and "Put the Lotion in the Fucking Basket".

- "Buffalo" Will

The Super Bowl... Not So Gay After All

2005-02-07T19:25:00.000-05:00

All in all, the Super Bowl went pretty well. The Patriots did win, and as an Eagle-hater, I'm glad Philly lost. Plus, Harrison had those 2 sweet interceptions. You have to love interceptions. If not for ints, sacks, and fumbles, football would be really boring. Anyway, here it is:

The Super Bowl in Review

Gay-ass Diet Pepsi Truck Commercial - I hate Diet Pepsi. I hate Carson Daly. I hate this commercial.

Fed-ExKinko's 10 Parts of a Commercial - I like Burt Reynolds. I like bears. I like Journey. And they pretty much got the formula right. #1 in my book.

Budweiser - Usually a heavy-hitter in the commercial department, especially with last year's horse-fart commercial. Did they even have a commercial this year? I am not pleased.

Cialis - Only one erectile-dysfunction commercial in the whole Super-Bowl? I was a-fucking-mazed. Only one!

Lincoln Fry - Pretty funny, #2 all-around.

Lays - Pretty sucky commercial, but it had MC Hammer in it. Hammer alone bumps it up to #3.

Halftime - Sir Paul McCartney was pretty damn good. My favorite part was when he tore of his jacket. I thought he was going to flash a tit. (I apologize, but that joke was mandatory.) The old fucker can still sing. I liked it. They didn't have any new pop douche-bags up there with him either. (N'Sync and Aerosmith- there's 2 bands that should never be in the same state together)

Remember in Ace Ventura when they're at the insane asylum, and Ace is prancing around in the tutu. Then, as they walk down the hallway, he yells "Halftime!", laps up some water, and slams his head into the chair? Just popped into my head.

- Scott "He's Gonna Air This One Out..." Clayton

PS. I like it when they say "He's gonna air this one out..." while the QB throws a cannon downfield. It makes me feel like I'm in the game.

Ninjas and Pirates

2005-01-30T01:07:00.000-05:00

Well, I am a busy man and cannot entertain you all the time, so here is one fantastic Penguin-Approved site, with which to keep yourself busy. Frankly, I like the guy.
Maddox

And also I found this interesting, yet equally ridiculous.

"Get Naked!"

2005-01-18T21:43:00.000-05:00

Not that I am a fan of rap, but let me say this: the beauty of rap lies in the fact that you don't need any musical talent, you just need to be able to rhyme. Dr. Seuss could've been a rapper (or rappist) for Christ's sakes.

If we were to have a rap song, I think it would go a little something like this:

GET NAKED!

All ma' bitches and ho's get down on tha flo'
and get naked! get naked!

All those guys wit' da ho's get down on tha flo'
and get naked! get naked!

Now you ain't got no clothes, and yo' down on tha flo'
cuz yo' naked! yo' naked!

Lock all the doors cuz we down on tha flo'
and we naked! we naked!

Now grab a partner and get humpin'
E'erbody grab an ass and start bumpin'
Y'all gettin' crazy on the flo'
I can't take it no mo'
Now I'm naked, I'm naked!

So I think Will can lay down most of the lines, I might breakdance some, and we won't need any "music" because I'm pretty sure Brendan can beatbox the whole thing. We are available for birthdays, bat mitzvahs, and bachelorette parties. And if you tip well, we might even do a little freestyle.

-Funkmaster Scott and the Angry Penguins

Dis iz fo' real, peepz

2005-01-09T21:17:00.000-05:00

(Formerly known as "This is for real, people")

Do you know what really pisses me off? (Besides MTV, emo, and vegetarians) Well as I sit here eating my bowl of Honey Smacks and reading random blogs, it occurs to me, once again, just how stupid people are. Why cannot anyone type in normal English? And I'm not talking about sensible abbreviation or typos. I'm talking about removing portions of words so that they only sort of resemble the word phonetically. For example;

iz = is
da = the
kewl = cool
itz = it's
peeps = people or friends
fo = for
dis = this
dat = that

Seriously, do you freaking idoits think that not typing one letter is actually saving you time? The 2 fucking seconds you saved by omitting that one f-ing letter is completely nullified by the fact that I have to spend 2.3 minutes frickin' deciphering your god-damn sentence! And furthermore, anyone who thinks that such idiocy makes them "sound hip" - it doesn't. It makes you sound like a fuckin' retard trying to play Boggle.

- Scott "Get Your Fucking Act Together" Clayton

Two more absurd things...

2005-01-09T19:12:00.000-05:00

Yes... another absurd quiz. I don't know how I found it, but its not just "absurd" its ridiculously absurd.

The Naughty Heart Candy Quiz

After taking that quiz, and the one Brendan posted before it, a person might tell themselves "There's nothing more absurd or ridiculous than that"...

I'm sorry to ruin your dreams, but there is, in fact, something more absurd...

The Saga of Bloodninja

- Will the "Fuck me" Heart Candy

The Ultimate Hard-Rockin Band

2005-01-05T16:05:00.000-05:00

Here are my candidates for the ultimate hard rock band:

Lead Guitar: Jimmy Page

Lead Vocals: Robert Plant

Bass Guitar: John Entwistle

Rhythm Guitar: Keith Richards

Drums: Keith Moon

Feel free to leave many comments about what you think would be the ultimate band, but keep in mind that this is not a list of people who were the best at what they did (i.e. Jimi Hendrix was the best guitarist; however, he was more of a one-man show, and John Lennon was the best songwriter of all time, but not necessarily the best singer, etc.)

-Brendan "Led Zeppelin Rocks My Socks" O'Connor

Possibly The Most Absurd Thing Ever

2005-01-03T20:37:00.000-05:00

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You? - Quizilla this is obviously the most absurd thing ever. don't ask where i found it... my boredom has no bounds

--Brendan "The Goddess" O'Connor

Tsunami Disaster

2005-01-03T19:53:00.000-05:00

All I would like to say at this time is that Asian people need to learn to freakin' swim. Honestly. It's just a wave, people! Let's get with the program here!!! Oh yeah, and Napoleon Dynamite is a freakin' sweet movie. Just gettin that out there.

--The Tsunami-Impervious Brendan

Stuff Approved by Will

2004-12-16T18:11:00.001-05:00

Since many of you can’t make your own decisions, I have decided to compile a small list of items that I like. If you’re ever bored, go out and get one of these things (you won’t regret it).

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy- Great Book, soon to become a movie

Family Guy - We all know I like it, you will too.

Nintendo DS -A nice piece of hardware, plays N64 graphics and has a touch screen.

Disposable Toilet Seat Covers- One of the greatest inventions of all time, good for those of us that are OCD.

Newgrounds - A good website to post flash animations. Hopefully I’ll have post of my work there one day.

Go on, try some of these. It’ll make your day (Especially those toilet seat covers…)

-The All-Seeing Will

P.S. - Brendan, I moved our last two posts about sticking it to the man to the comment area of your first post. That's really where they should be...

The Varied uses of shit

2004-12-16T15:36:00.000-05:00

I was pondering the width and breadth of the English language the other day, when, inevitably, I came to the word "shit." In context, the uses of the word "shit" are many and varied (and fun!). The Oxford Dictionary of the English Language defines it as, well, it doesn't define it. However, I came up with the following definitions, idioms, phrases, and shit on my own self. Please feel free to make additions.

To defecate
To decieve
Excrement
Something considered totally unacceptable
Drugs
Miscellaneous items
Trouble
A small amount
A general interjection (to express surprise)
To shit on
Get (one's) shit together
Give a shit (or not)
No shit
Shit bricks/a brick
Up shit creek (without a paddle)
When the shit hits the fan
Full of shit
Take shit (from someone)
(Bull)shit
To shit (someone)

-- The Funny-as-shit Brendan

Mind-numbing Trash Videos

2004-12-15T21:55:00.000-05:00

MTV. Damn you, MTV. You are the destroyer of all that is real and good. You wreak havoc in the form of Usher and Petey Pablo. Carson Daly is (or was) the demonic bearer of crappy intros to crappy songs with crappy videos (I guess he was to stupid for that job, too). You are destroying the music world one reality show at a time. You take what you say is 'cool'- which apparently changes every time anyone anywhere releases a new 'record' (I use the word lightly because most can't sing coughPuffycoughAshleeSimpson)- and force-feed it to idiot preteens obsessed with videos featuring rappers who only state "yeah! uh-huh!" every 5 seconds and a beat I could reproduce on my Casio Beatbox^TM (valued at $12.43). MTV, you are the definition of a front-runner. How can the music possibly be any god-damn good if it "dropped 4 places on the countdown this week, after debuting at #1." What the hell is that? Half, no wait, all of what you play is crap and, above all, not real music. I find it funny how they think they're Music Television. Do you know what MTV really stands for? Mind-numbing Trash Videos. 'Cause that's what you play. Crap. And those freaking reality shows? Thats not the real fucking world. The real world is people like us bitching about how bad MTV is! Air that you sons-of-bitches!

An Educational Essay on "The MAN"

2004-12-15T19:28:00.001-05:00

This is my first post on The Angry Penguin, so forgive me if I ramble. Isn't that what you're supposed to do, though? What have you. I was recently conversing with a female friend of mine who did not know who The MAN was/is/will always be until everyone starts taking LSD. The MAN is any form of oppression or circumstance of people being "kept down." The MAN doesn't like liberals, because liberals consitute change. John Kerry, by the way, was by no means a liberal. It's kind of hard to be when you're a multi-millionaire. Anywho. The MAN is an establishment or culture of any sort which tries to get people to conform to its ways. And there used to be a way to Stick it to the MAN. And that was called Rock And Roll. But no. People don't want to stick it to the MAN anymore, because thats not cool. Anything that's cool is, by definition and association, the MAN. In this anti-intillectual, materialistic, hedonistic society we live in, there are very few "stickers-to-the-MAN." One can often see if another "sticks it" to the MAN by the: music he/she listens to; clothes he/she wears; and the philosophy he/she lives by. By the way, stickers usually aren't "shes," because girls are stupid and are only good for sex and food - not necessarily at seperate times - but that's a story for another day. The MAN nowadays is manifested in such things as Abercrombie & Fitch, Emo, Cops (as always), and Peter Santanello. These cultures/images/people will try to get others to join them in their march of conformity/political-correctness/academic-ass-rapage. Of course, there are many ways to stick it to the man, the most general and obvious of which are individuality and non-conformity. However, by definition, there cannot be an organized movement of stickers-to-the-MAN because then they become an arm of the MAN. And the MAN has many, many arms (the MAN's form of capitalism has developed in such a way that it can absorb or even incorporate any form of mass rebellion or resistance into itself. Clever, isn't it?). People stick it to the MAN in their own seperate ways, by wearing absurd clothing (like green pants), listening to outdated music (like classic rock), by keeping straight-edge, and by just being generally politically incorrect and awesome. So please, don't let the MAN keep you down. Be yourself. Don't take any shit from anybody. And if you're hot, have sex with me.

-The Eternally Hip Brendan

"The Super Bowl is Gay"

2004-12-12T23:03:00.000-05:00

What do the Super Bowl, water, cologne, DVD players, stray cats, the sky, cottage cheese, yogurt, shirts, vacuum cleaners, KFC, McDonald's, orange juice, dollarbills, monitors, scanners, CD burners, and a fat kid with a guitar have in common?

Click here to find out

- The Not-So-Gay Scott

Good Times With Spam

2004-12-12T22:46:00.000-05:00

OK, so everyone hates spam (the hit-the-duck-to-win-a-free-ipod computer kind of spam, not the unusually tasty comes-in-a-square-can meat product) But instead of downloading, or worse buying(everything online should be free), a spam-blocker, why not find an entertaining, alternative way to piss of people who are trying to sell you stuff? This mentality was indeed taken up by a man, Jonathon Land, who started a site featuring all the spam he receives and his creative, hilarious responses to such ridiculous ads. Take that you goddamn spammers!

Who's On Top Now, Bitch?

2004-12-12T19:45:00.000-05:00

Yeah, uhh, you just hafta watch this one for yourself.

Porn Wars

Don't worry. I rate it PG-13 for sexual references and the use of dildos as weapons. (No Nudity)

As they said in Spaceballs, "May the schwartz be with you!"

- The Incredibly-Bored Scott

"I've Got A Fever..."

2004-12-08T20:49:00.000-05:00

I was watching SNL not too long ago and I witnessed what is possibly one of the funniest skits in SNL history. In a parody of both VH1's Behind The Music and Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear The Reaper", Christopher Walken stars as hit producer Bruce Dickinson and Will Ferrell as BOC member Gene Frenkle. The band is irritated by Gene's erratic cowbell playing, but Bruce can't seem to get enough cowbell. As he puts it- "I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell!"

Well this naturally started up a discussion about the greatest cowbell songs of all time. Here's what we have compiled so far:
1. Don't Fear The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
2. Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet - BTO
3. Hooked On A Feelin' - Blue Swede
4. Lowrider - War
5. Can't Get Enough Of Your Love - Barry White
6. Honkey Tonk Woman - The Rolling Stones

If you have any songs worthy of this list, we would appreciate input. Be aware that all emo and most rap will not be accepted, being that neither is real music. We are looking for songs with a shitload of cowbell, not just one clunk. And also, we already looked online (we're not imbeciles) so don't send us any lists or links to lists. And one more thing- "When I'm finished with you, you'll be wearing gold-plated diapers!"

- The Omnibenevolent Scott

Mmmmm....Turkey

2004-12-06T21:56:00.000-05:00

After reading Scott's previous post, I remembered an interview I heard on the radio. Man, stupid people piss me off... especially stupid vegetarians. I heard a woman talking about turkies and how SAD it was that they were being killed for Thanksgiving. Ignoring the stupid, happy-go-lucky idiocy that leads to all crazy animal activists, I continued to listen. She said that the orphaned baby turkey's would have to go to therapy because of the emotional stress....

Yes... Therapy...Turkey therapy.... ( Does anyone understand this?!?!)
Unfortunately, she just inadvertently killed a kitten ( I slaughtered it in rage...). But seriously, does vegetarianism accomplish anything? "Oh no it kills the poor wittle animaws!" Boo Hoo, go suck on your mother's teet you big homos. Have you ever tasted meat? It's freakin delicious! When the vegetarians stop eating the meat, it doesn't save the animals. They are still killed and still eaten ( and enjoyed by me). They don't understand the circle of life, and that even if humans didn't exist, the little turkeys would be mauled by pumas or wild hedgehogs. But most of all, they don't understand that most people could care less about animals and that we're just hungry. So next time you meet a vegetarian, remind they still wear leather shoes... and that we will never stop eating meat ('cause vegetables just suck)

Well, I'm off to make myself a turkey sandwich... Mmmmm... Turkey.
- The Omnipresent Will

National Kill-Something-And-Wear-It Day

2004-11-28T21:20:00.000-05:00

OK! I'm pissed off again. What the hell is with Uggs? You know, those freaking pseudo-boots with that furry stuff inside. First of all, they're not really boots. Boots are thick, brown, steel-toed, kickass pieces of footwear that real men wear when they are demolishing shit or pouring concrete. Secondly, who pays $64.99 for those god-damn things? Why do you need shoes with fur inside? This is not the frickin' Arctic Circle. And why pay companies to make them for you? (Not that I don't fully support Capitolism- It's the American way.) But whatever happened to shooting something for its fur? Too much work? It's not much easier to sit behind a desk for eight hours and shuffle papers around or carry dishes to pissed-off people like myself. Where's the satisfaction? Where's the fun? Contrary to popular belief, it is a lot of fun to shoot stuff. In accordance with such, I hereby declare November 28th to be National Kill-Something-And-Wear-It Day. Everyone should go out and buy a rifle right now. Or swords. Or throwing stars. Whatever works for you.

-The All-Powerful Scott

2004-11-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

Wow! Look at the crap you can buy online.

Swords
Stars
UFO Detectors (also makes a great centerpiece)
Laser Guns (I don't like that last one)
Chicken Feet (I think these are like pet products)
Instant Snow (Can't you just freeze water and crush it?)

This stuff is available to the public? Chaos will surely ensue.

Welcome to Angry Penguin from Will

2004-11-22T17:07:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Angry Penguin. This site is designed for Scott and myself to post our opinions on....well, everything. Many of our posts will cause complaints, and if you don't agree with us... we really don't care!

(Please send all complaints to suckmyballs@wedontcare.com)

-The All-Knowing Will

Firefox

2004-11-21T22:50:00.000-05:00

My friends, allow me to introduce you to Firefox. It will own your internet. Try it and see the light. It blows my freaking mind.

http://www.mozilla.org/products/firefox/

The Downfall of Music

2004-11-19T23:45:00.000-05:00

Rap used to be crap, but now we've got a bigger problem- emo. Tons of depressed teenage girls flocking to concerts where moany, spiky-haired, ripped-jeans-wearing bands with retarted names sing about how their girlfriend left them for a real musician. Now, everyone here should be aware, if not already, that I am a devoted Classic Rock supporter. That is real music. Those songs had meaning that wasn't spelt out in the chorus. Not to mention that all emo "bands" sound alike. Personally, I really don't give a crap about what happens in the lives of these moody, whiney bastards. And who is to blame for this? MTV. I find it funny how they think they're Music Television. They play what makes them money and try to tell you it's cool and hip. And these mindless pop-culture-driven imbeciles beleive it! Emo is not real music, people, and the sooner you realize that, the better.

-The All-Knowing Scott

Welcome to the Angry Penguin

2004-11-19T23:24:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Angry Penguin, an unusual place for unusual ideas. I am Scott and, along with my friend Will, will be entertaining you for as long as we can think of stuff. Please check back soon for updates.