The Masters of Abstinence

Well, My friend Michael and I have been working on a screenplay. No, not a porno screenplay... I have tried and failed at that; writing porn is not as easy as you might think. Anyway, you're welcome to leave some comments, but I really don't care what you douches think. I know its long, those with ADD, take it in doses. These are just a collection of small scenes. Premature thanks for those who like it. Those who don't.... lick my hairy cunt.

MASTERS OF ABSTINENCE. “THE SUEDE” EPISODE.
SCENE 1. WALKING UP RUE VAVIN, AFTERNOON.

Will: We need a plan. We have no plan.
Michael: No we don’t, not really.
Will: Yes we do. We’ve been here a day and we haven’t
really met any girls. We need a plan.
Brendan: Will, we don’t need a plan. That’s not how it
works.
Will: Well how does it “work” then?
Brendan: You don’t just get with girls. In Cambridge
you go out to dinner or something. You socialize.
Will: Well okay then. Let’s go out to dinner with
them. Let’s ask those girls we saw at lunch today.
Michael: What was her name? Sabrina? That’s the only
one I remember.
Will: Yeah. She was the hottest one.
Michael: The teenage witch.
Brendan: I was actually going to say that, but I
figured she must get it a lot.
Michael: Do you think?
Will: Good. Let’s do that then. We’ll ask them out to
dinner tonight.
Michael: I know a good steak place about 15 minutes
away.
Brendan: We’ll dress up and wear those shoes.
Will: Suede.

SCENE 2. THIRD FLOOR COMMON ROOM. 5:30.
Will: Mike, are you getting dressed?
Michael: Already?
Will: Yeah, well, it’s gonna take a while to get
dressed, and then we have to wait for them, and then
we have to get there.
Michael: Alright. What are we wearing?
Brendan (entering): Blazer, blue jeans, and button
down light blue shirt.
Michael: I don’t have a button down light blue shirt.
Brendan: You don’t?
Michael: I have a light blue polo.
Brendan: That’s fine.
Michael: Okay. Has anybody seen the girls,
incidentally?
Brendan and Will look at each other.
Both: Uh..no.
Will: One of us should go ask them, or find them, or
something.
Michael: Just wait for me to get dressed, okay?
Brendan: Course.
SCENE 3. DOWNSTAIRS.
Michael, Will, and Brendan walk through dressed
essentially identically; Will’s jacket has stripes.
Will and Brendan are wearing suede shoes.
Michael: I hate my hair at this point. It’s too short
to be short but it’s not long yet either. It’s just
kind of hair-indifference and I can’t do anything
about it.
Will: The middle length hair.
Michael: It’s like the Switzerland of hair.
Brendan: What?
Will: I’m liking these stripes.
They reach the main area, everybody reacts to their
being dressed up, the deans give them a ribbing over
it.
Frederick: Where are you guys going?
Brendan: Out to dinner.
Michael: At a steakhouse.
Girl #1: Why are you all dressed the same?
They look at each other.
Michael: Well we didn’t mean to.
Brendan: We all have the same clothes.
Will: We think alike.
Nancy: I like your shoes.
Will: They’re suede.
Nancy: Evidently.
Girl #2: Oh God, they’re wearing the same shoes!
Girl #1: That’s hilarious
Brendan: Come on, let’s go.
Michael: Where are they?
Frederick: Who?
Michael: No one.

SCENE 4. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL
Will: Great.
Brendan: Now we can’t go back in there.
Michael: What’d we all have to dress the same for?
Brendan: It just didn’t occur to me that it might look
odd.
Will: It’s kinda gay.
Michael: Not really.
Will: Yes it is.
Michael: It’s a little gay.
Will: At least.
Brendan: Well we all have little differences.
Will: I have the stripes.
Brendan: And Michael’s wearing a polo.
Michael: And the shoes are all a little different.
Will: It’s still kinda gay. Now we can’t go back in
there.
A group of girls walk by.
Girl #3: Ooh!
Girl #4: What are you guys all dressed up for?
Brendan: We’re going out to eat.
Girls laugh.
Girl #3: Why are you all dressed the same?
Michael: We’re not really.
Will: I have stripes!
Girl #3 (giggling): Well…have a nice time…at…dinner.
Brendan: Thank you.
They enter the building.
Will: This is ridiculous. We can’t stand here, either.
Brendan: No, I don’t care if people see us here.
Michael: This is pretty funny.
Will: I don’t think it’s funny.
Michael: It’s a little funny.
Brendan: I’m seeing the humor here.
Will: I’m not. This isn’t the plan.
Michael: I think this will be really funny in a few
weeks.
Will: It’s not funny now though.
Michael: It’s a little funny now.
Brendan: I’m definitely seeing the humor here.
Will: We can’t all be dressed like this.
Brendan: Well then one of us should take off his
jacket.
Michael: Well I’m not taking off mine.
Brendan: Neither am I.
Will: But I have the stripes. I’m sure as hell not
taking off mine.
Brendan: Tough.
Will: Mine’s the cool one! It’s unique. Yours look
exactly the same! You have the gold buttons.
Michael: I can’t just wear the polo and the jeans; I’m
too underdressed then.
Brendan: And I just don’t want to take mine off.
Will: I have the stripes!
Brendan: Stop crying.
Michael: What’s worse, losing the stripes, or us all
looking the same.
Will: Oh fine.
Brendan: Look for the girls as long as you’re in
there.
Will: Yeah yeah. He re-enters the building.
Michael: It’s a little funny.
Brendan: I see the humor here.
Michael: I can’t believe we all dressed the same.
Brendan: It’s not that bad.
Michael: They just don’t get it.
Brendan: Philistines.
Michael: Steven Farrelly-Jackson. He would get it.
Brendan: Steven Farrelly-Jackson. He would definitely
get it.

BREAK. RE-OPEN to find BRENDAN and MICHAEL still
waiting.
Michael: What the hell is taking him so long?
Brendan: Well he has to wait for the girls.
Michael: They could be anywhere in the city.
Brendan: That was what was convenient about Cambridge.
The common spaces; everybody was in one of two places.
Michael: And the city was so small; if they weren’t in
the JCR or the field, they would be soon, cause there
was nothing to do.
Brendan: Exactly.
Michael (laughing): This is pretty funny.
Brendan: It’s getting funnier.
Michael: He’s been in there like 15 minutes.
Brendan: Here-here he comes.
Michael: Finally.
Will: Great. This is just great.
Michael: What happened?
Will: Well first, when I came in, they all asked ‘Back
so soon?’ And then, when I came downstairs after
putting away my jacket, Fred the dean was like ‘Hey,
what did you put away your jacket for? Yours was the
cool one! It had stripes!’ I told you I shouldn’t have
put mine away!
Michael: The stripes are immaterial. Don’t worry.
Brendan: So…did you see the TW?
Will: TW?
Brendan: Teenage witch.
Will: Right. No, I waited in there for 10 minutes
feeling like an idiot cause I didn’t have my stripes,
and then I cam out here. I saw them walk by.
Michael: What?
Will: They came out of the cafeteria and went up the
stairs.
Brendan: You didn’t talk to them?
Will: Well there wasn’t really an opportunity to.
Brendan: Pussy.
Will: There was no opportunity!
Brendan: Pussy.
Michael: Well then I guess one of us has to go in now.
Brendan: I’ll go in.
Michael: K.
Brendan: Pussy.
Will: There was no opportunity!
Brendan re-enters the building.
Will: They’re pretty hot.
Michael: Sabrina is possibly the hottest one here.
Will: Well we haven’t seen many of them.
Michael: No, no we haven’t. But I think she’s still up
there.
Will: Yeah. Definitely. Cowboy girl isn’t bad either.
Michael: Word.
Will: I’m a big fan.
Michael: She smokes a lot, though.
Will: She does?
Michael: She walked by and she reeked of it.
Will: Well she walked by. She could have just been
near smoke or something.
Michael: Or she could have been smoking.
Will: Doesn’t bother me too much.
Michael: I’m not a fan.
Will: I’m a big fan of Victoria, the short blonde one.
Like the short blondes.
Michael: Not a huge fan of short blondes.
Will: How can you not be a fan of short blondes?
Michael: Well they’re hot and everything, but if
they’re too short, I feel too tall.
Will: That’s bullshit. They’re hot.
Michael: The hot ones are definitely hot. But I can’t
say I’m out of my mind for a Victoria type.
Will: Eh, I gotta disagree, man. But we need a
nickname for her.
Michael: How about like Queen Victoria? “The Queen?”
Will: That’s good.
Brendan exits the building.
Michael: So what happened? Where are they?
Brendan: Well I saw them, and I said, ‘Michael, Will,
and myself were thinking of going to a local
steakhouse tonight, and we were wondering if you’d
care to join us.’ So they seemed interested, but they
said they’d already had dinner—that must’ve been when
they were going to the cafeteria, Will—and they were
too full. But they said maybe another night, for sure.
Will: So it wasn’t a complete turn-down.
Brendan: No, it wasn’t a complete turn-down.
Michael: Still, we missed our chance.
Brendan: Yes. We did indeed miss our chance.
Will: That’s good though. At least we didn’t get
rejected.
Michael: We didn’t make anti-progress.
Will: Did it sound like she really meant it when she
said we should do it another time?
Brendan: Yeah—I mean, I think so.
Michael: Now what the hell are we gonna do?
Brendan: I’m a little pissed off now.
Will: I’m really pissed off. Really really pissed off.
Michael: I mean, we can’t very well go back into the
cafeteria now, can we?
Another group of girls walk by.
Girl: Hey! What are you guys all dressed up for?
Michael: Does it really matter?
Brendan: That’s just how we roll, ladies.
Girl: That’s really weird.
Will: Shit.
Michael: It really doesn’t make any difference now.
Will: I’m really pissed off. Really really pissed off.
Michael: Do you want to go out to dinner anyway, now?
Brendan: Sure.
Will: I guess.
They start walking.
Michael: I still think this is pretty funny.
Brendan: It’s getting funnier.
Will: It’ll be funny later.
Brendan: I think it’s funny now.
Will: It’s so gay. We’re all dressed the same—why
didn’t we think of that?
Michael: It’s not that gay.
Brendan: Relax.
Will: Where are we eating?
Michael: It was…here, I think it’s this place. It
looked decent.
Brendan: “La Mama”?
Will: Just when this couldn’t get any gayer.
Michael: Come on, come on. We can’t go back to the
cafeteria now anyway.
Will: Yeah, you’re right.

LATER—EXITING THE CAFETERIA.
Brendan: There was too much cheese on my pizza.
Michael: Too much cheese?
Brendan: It was a really uneven cheese-to-sauce ratio.
Will: Not a big fan of the uneven cheese-to-sauce
ratio.
Brendan: No, they have to be basically equal,
otherwise the whole thing is ruined.
Will: So they didn’t really reject us.
Brendan: No. They didn’t really reject us. Cowgirl
boy…(pause)…cowboy girl…cowgirl seemed disappointed
that they couldn’t go.
Will: Well that’s good, anyway.
Michael: I think it’s raining.
Will: Oh shit.
Brendan: Is it really raining?
Michael: Yeah.
Will: The shoes! They’re suede!
Brendan: They’ll be ruined!
Will: Let’s run back!
Brendan: We must preserve the shoes!
They begin running down Rue Vavin back to the school.
Along the way, the pass the first group of girls.
Girl #1: Hey look, guys! Now they’re running! (All
girls laugh)
Will: They’re SUEDE!

_________________________________________________



SCRIPT 2: “THE FOMO”


Brendan: There’s that Jay character.
Michael: Elliot. Messing round with my woman.
Brendan: Is Anthea your woman?
Michael: We were partners in a bonding exercise. It
counts.
Will: I don’t think that counts.
Michael: It was sarcasm. If this was a sitcom, there’d
be laugh track there.
Brendan: What’s this pink scarf shit?
Michael: Pretending to be gay for the chicks.
Will: He’s a fomo!
Brendan: A what?
Will: A fomosexual! He pretends to be gay!
Michael: A fomo!
Juliette (sitting down): Who’s a fomo?
Will: Jay’s a fomo!
Juliette: Huh?
Michael: He pretends to be gay so he can get with you!
Brendan: Don’t fall for it.
Juliette: Eew no, he keeps on feeling us up! Or trying
to! He kept inching his hand up Anthea’s leg on the
subway.
Michael: Pshaw.
Brendan: Fomo.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fiona: So are you a music snob like Brendan?
Michael: Maybe.
Fiona: What kind of music do you listen to?
Michael: 60s rock is my favorite.
Fiona: Like Jimi Hendrix?
Michael: Yeah, wait, say that again.
Fiona: What?
Michael: Jimi Hendrix. I’m pretty sure you said it as
though his name was “Jimmy”, like “J-I-M-M-Y”, but
it’s “Jimi”, “J-I-M-I”. You exaggerated the “mmeee”
part, as though he had the extra ‘m’ and a ‘y’. It’s
“Jimi”, like that.
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Will: So Emily walked by while Grace and I were
talking.
Michael: Yeah?
Will: I got an awkward hello.
Michael: Really?
Will: She said “hey” to Grace normally, and then she
said “Hi…” to me.
Michael: That’s really awkward.
Will: It’s one of the most awkward hellos I’ve ever
gotten.
Michael: Are you positive she wasn’t just distracted?
Will: Please. Grace got a normal hello. I got an
awkward hello.
Michael: I don’t know, man.
Will: Things…things are not looking good.
Michael: Drop her, man.
Will: I can’t, yet.
Michael: I can’t GET NO…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will: So?
Michael: We’re friends. I’m her friend.
Will: Not good.
Michael: All that. We’re friends. I’m her friend. I’m
the friend.
Will: Is that what she said?
Michael: That’s what she said. I’m her friend. I’m the
friend. I’m the friend, Will! She thinks we’re
friends!
Will: Not a big fan of the friend.
Michael: I hate the friend.
Will: I’m not usually the friend.
Michael: I’m always the friend. All that, she thinks
we’re friends. I spent all that time so we could be
friends. We’re friends. I’m her confidante,
apparently.
Will: Is that what Cristina said?
Michael: Yeah. She said she thinks I’m her friend.
Will: You don’t want to be her confidante.
Michael: I know I don’t!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael: Check it out
Brendan: What?
Michael: I got this orange peel off all in one peel.
Brendan: No way
Michael: Hell yes
Will: All in one peel?
Michael: All in one peel.
Will: So it fits back together?
Michael: Yeah
Brendan: Lemme see that (takes peel)
Will: You didn’t drop any specks?
Michael: No specks!
Brendan: Dude, I gotta hand it to you…
Michael: That’s my big achievement for the day
Brendan plays with the orange peel lying on the
chairs, transfixed.
Will: You know you should’ve taken them up on that
invitation.
Michael: What invitation?
Will: Just now, when the R-dawg and her crew invited
you to go on that picnic. You should take them up on
that.
Brendan: This is really cool.
Emily: What are you doing?
Brendan: I’m getting in tune, man
Michael: He’s turning off his mind
Brendan: Relax
Michael: And float downstream
Emily: You guys are really weird. (Will looks
uncomfortable)
Michael: Well I didn’t want to go on a picnic with 5,
no, 6 girls, y’know? It’s kinda overwhelming.
Will: It’s pussy.
Michael: There’s pussy fucking everywhere! I had to
buy fruit. My fruit stash was low.
Will: Ya I know that, but still, you shoulda…
Michael: It was worth it—have you ever gotten an
orange off in one peel like that?
Brendan: You should’ve gone though
Nancy: All right, you guys. You know the rules. No
food here. Throw that orange peel away, Brendan.
Brendan: It’s not mine. I’m holding it for a friend.
Michael: I got it off in one peel.
Nancy: Throw it away.
Michael: I bet no other Oxbridge student has done
that.
Nancy: No food here, guys.
Michael: Aren’t you impressed?
Nancy: Brendan, throw it away
Brendan: My uncle gave it to me to give to my parents!
It’s not mine.
Michael: You think I should go find them in the park?
Will: Yeah, why not? You’re done buying fruit
Michael: Yeah but we’ve got like five minutes now.
Emily (leaving): Who?
Michael: I got invited to a picnic but I had urgent
fruit needs.
Brendan: You are what you eat.
Michael: Well then you certainly aren’t pussy.
Brendan: Hell no.
Will: See, I would eat out, just for the hell of it.
Just to make her feel good, you know?
Brendan: Oh hell no. I’d never do that. It’s
disgusting.
Michael: I dunno if I’m that dogmatic about it…what if
you got head in return?
Will: Yeah.
Brendan: Yeah, I guess in that case, maybe…but not
just for the hell of it. That’s gross.
Michael: And it could smell like tuna fish.
Will: If it’s unkept.
Brendan: Yeah.
Michael: Otherwise it smells like the meadow Julie
Andrews frolics through at the beginning of The Sound
of Music.
Will: What the hell?
Michael: Have you never seen that movie?
Brendan: Hell no, cracka!
Michael: I saw it on TV when I was in Salzburg; it was
the only thing in English on.
Will: Riiight.
Brendan: That’s what they all say
Michael: It’s a damn good thing Emily left, don’t you
think?
Brendan: I think you would’ve been getting some
awkward hellos there.




-Will "The Master of Abstinence" Penney ( and Honorary Penguin, Michael Bleicher)