It Gives You Wings

I have made a major discovery. I was sitting around at work, when we decide to crack open a few Red Bulls. "Why?" you ask. Why not? Now I am not a fan of energy drinks, mainly because it is a big scam. They bottle sugar water and sell it as Kazaam! or some other crap name like that. So, not being a fan of energy drinks, I had never actually had a Red Bull before. After a few sips, and once initial vomit taste subsided, I made this discovery: Red Bull is piss. Really. I am fairly confident that Red Bull is actually carbonated bull pee cleverly disguised as an energy drink. Firstly, it smells like piss. Trust me, it's bad. Secondly, it looks like piss. A heavy yellow color. A little dark, but perhaps that's just how bull piss is. I wouldn't know. But here is what confirmed my suspicions. On the front of the can, in blatent white letters it says "With Taurine". Now, I have never heard of Taurine, and therefore, it must not exist. Using my superior knowledge of Latin, I assure you that the Latin word for bull is taurus. Bull urine. Taurus urine. Taurine. They made that word up. It also states on the front of the can that it"Vitalizes Body and Mind" This may be true. But if so, it is not because of all the vitamins and sugar in it. It is because of the energy-inducing powers of carbonated bull urine. So the next time you are out, buy one, drink it. You will prove my major discovery: Red Bull is piss.


- Scott "Tastes Like Cough Syrup" Clayton