Truth In Advertising?

In the local Rite-Aid, down the second aisle, on the left hand side, three quarters of the way down on the middle shelf, right next to the "Just For Men" hair color, lies the single most amusing article of hair products I have ever seen:

HEADLUBE


I laughed because it said "head". Then I laughed because it said "lube". Then I realized that combining the two ups the ante tenfold. It took a good 20 minutes for me to settle down and put all the dismantled products back on the shelf.

Afterwards, as I contemplated the life-altering events I had just experienced, I realized something. That product, no matter how effective or amazing or cheap they make it, will never last. Because no one wants to carry around a bright yellow Thermos labeled "Headlube".

Thus, we arrive at the first major point of product marketing mistakes: anything that resembles a sexual or explicit (read: hilarious) term ought to be avoided at all costs. Now, this might seem obvious, but you might be surprised at the number of products that fall into this trap. Next time you're in the store, look around. 1 in every 7 objects can be pointed at and giggled about.

And as a direct result of the first rule, many products fall victim to the second and opposite blunder: trying to make your product sound too badass. I don't care if it's H-UltraKickassPower₂O. It's still water. And no matter what you add to it, it's still just water with shit added to it. No one takes Electric Thunder Shaving Cream seriously. Nor do they really contemplate buying HellFireCool chewing gum. (Gum has two flavors: mint and gum. Stick to it, fucko.) Thus we arrive at the second major pitfall of product marketing.

So people please, if you're selling lemonade, don't call it Delicious Fruity Squeezers, because that's just too easy a target. And don't call it Hydro-Lemon Liquid-Ice Powerdrink. Because that's just trying too hard. Stick to a sign that just says "Lemonade".

And if you really want to sell me some, call it "Good Fuckin' Lemonade". But all I can say is, that better be good fuckin' lemonade, because I'm not paying 50 cents for some shitty sugar-mixture. I dont care if you start to cry, you little F-ing 8-year-old scam artist. Give me my motherfuckin' money back or I'll upend this whole god-damn table. Fine, get your fuckin' parents, I'll tell them what kind of illegal shit you're running out here. And this lemonade sucks! Fuckers!




- Scott Clayton (Is Fully Non-Refundable)