Prepare Yourselves, Humans!

Now, I did not want to be the one to say this, but the world as you know it is about to come to an end. That's right. And you all know me, and both Will and Brendan will attest to my sanity, so do not mark me as a maniac. I'm just giving you the first warning. "The first warning about what?", you ask? Well, just the impending doom of our race.

There is a new enemy out there, people. They've lain dormant for so long, we let our guards down, and now they're starting to attack. That's right. The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin was the first. This man was almost second. These stingray accidents are not accidents at all, but the first wave of a larger attack. An attack on humanity, but more importantly, an attack on America. "But," you would say, "stingrays have no reason to attack America." And I shall say, "Oh, just the opposite." These are communist stingrays. They hate freedom. And they are willing to fight to the death. So prepare for battle, people. We're fighting for our survival here.

Studies show that communist stingrays are the leading cause of death in Australian wildlife documentarians and 81-year-old Floridian boaters this year. It's only a matter of time before they start targeting civilians. But fear not! I, your resourceful leader, have put together a short list of ways that you can help defend the human race.

• Know Thy Enemy:

While you may expect the stingrays to maintain their natural camouflage, I assure you they will not. Once they finish this first wave of guerrilla style attacks, they will break out the red. Communist are always showboats. Everyone knows it. And, furthermore, do not assume that these animals are dumb. They are clever, sly, smart little pricks. Never, not for one minute, start to think you can trust these communist stingrays.

• Be Prepared:

Remember, Americans, that you are the first line of defense against this vicious aquatic enemy. With that in mind, I want everyone to purchase at least one of these and one of these. It may be a bit unorthodox, but, trust me, it will come in handy. Now, we know that they like to go for the heart, so the vests should be able to protect us there. And the spearguns most certainly will come in to play. It is only a matter of time before these commies infiltrate and destroy a number of our dams, in addition to the polar ice caps, causing widespread flooding. That's when they bring the fight to us. And that's when we'll be armed.

• Offensive Maneuvers:

Everyone knows that the best defense is a good offense. We need to get out there and start taking out stingrays whenever possible. I want full-scale attacks. All dredges, fishing boats, oil tankers, jet-skis and banana boats are to be on patrol at all times. This is not the time to wait, this is a time for action. We can destroy these red bastards before they can even get near us.





Don't worry, people. We'll all be fine. Just as long as we are all prepared to do our part, sacrifice a little, and, above all, support our troops. Because they're fighting those communist stingrays for us, for America, and for freedom.



- Scott Clayton (knows what to do when he sees a communist stingray. )