Roll Call. Just Say "Here".

Alright kids, it's September, and we all know what that means - back to the the classroom. Now, being currently enrolled in high school, I have the opporunity to recognize daily the greatest weaknesses of the American education system. Namely, the teachers. That's right. It may surprise you, but teachers are actually the biggest detriment to modern learning. Whether you are a student now and/or have the cognitive capacity to recall your school experiences, I invite you to consider a number of examples:

• The Whack Job - This is the most obvious of all teacher profiles. This person has trouble with basic day-to-day classroom functions. They also seem to think they do a superb job of teaching, although most students cease to respect them as a human being. Often, their entire class period consists of trying to turn on a simple projector, computer, or light switch. This teacher may or may not suffer from some insane mental condition, which causes them to change temper every 6.4 seconds. Mostly harmless, unless they begin throwing office supplies.
  

• The Sarcastic Douche - This profile is also very easily indentifiable. Often, when leaving this teacher's class, one student will turn to the other and say, "That guy is a really big douche." This teacher hates the world (and themself) and tries to take it out on everyone they can. They usually try to cover this douchery with lame sarcasm. This sarcasm is almost always unfunny, and usually disgraceful. Sometimes, they have an asinine catchphrase or quote which they repeat incessantly, causing widespread hatred. It is possible to have a number of teachers fitting this profile, in which case, to reduce stress, students should have a "douche-off" to see which educator is, in fact, the douchiest.

• The Icon - This profile, unlike the others, is actually a positive one. This teacher is so well-respected that they become a sort of legend in the school. Often, this iconic status will manifest itself in daily claims of outlandish superiority. (ie. omipotence, omniscience) The instructor will be beloved and exalted. Utimately, however, they will meet their match in Neil Begley.

• The Mistake/The Pushover - This teacher should never have become a teacher. This is the kind of person who should be alphabetizing shelves in a Piggly Wiggly or crocheting monogrammed potholders for a living. This teacher comletely lacks the ability to control and organize a classroom environment. The class is often run by the students, who refuse to listen to anything the alleged teacher says. Often, this results in a sort of free-for-all which is very enjoyable for all students. This person should be fired immediately.

• The Relic - This teacher has been educating students for close to 100 years, and is most assuredly boring as hell. The class seems to last forever, due to the complete lethargy induced by the sight of this teacher's ancient form. It is quite possible that this instructor taught your parents, your grandparents, perhaps even Jesus Christ himself. This person usually maintains the ability to teach, but in exchange, usually lacks the ability to walk, converse, or form coherent sentences. This teacher is the single most convincing argument for euthanasia.

Now these sorts of teachers can be seen throughout establishments of education nationwide. And, pending further debate, I propose my own solution: dissolve all modern schooling. That's right. If student's don't have to learn, then people can't fuck up their teaching. That's just pure logic. You know, you could learn a thing or two from me.



- Prof. Scott Clayton, DAP