The Great Breakfast Debate
In every vector of American life, the timeless argument continues...
We find our heroes at a booth in a true Americana diner.
"I'd go with the blonde," said Jack.
"Yeah, really that's interesting," said Brian sarcastically.
"Hey, what's the difference between pancakes and waffles?" Joe interjected.
There was a long pause...
"You're a stupid motherfucker, Joe," said Brian and we all shook our heads in a slushy mixture of disgust and agreement.
"No, I mean, besides the shape, it's the same fluffy batter shit, isn't it?"
"Although the brunette does dress better," Jack admitted.
"There is a difference..." I started.
"Does it really fuckin' matter?" interrupted Brian. He chose, at that moment, to emphasize his point by firing the spitball he had been moistening for the last few minutes directly at Joe. His saliva-soaked projectile, of course, missed its mark completely and stuck dutifully to the wall over Joe's right shoulder. Joe found this exchange reason enough to flip Brian not one, but two middle fingers.
"Oh, look at the legs on that new one," said Jack, as if the booth full of girls at the other end of the aisle were some sort of effeminate buffet. This new addition was, apparently, the prime rib.
"All right, I'll give you that one," agreed Brian.
"The point is, waffles are Belgian, pancakes are American," I said.
"I thought they were French, originally," said Joe.
"Fuck you," I decided.
"What's important is this: Pancakes ain't got no little fuckin' spots for syrup. Waffles are best." said Brian.
"True that," I agreed.
"Double true," finished Joe.
There was a long pause before Jack interrupted.
"Jesus Christ, look at the rack on that one."
Ah, another perfectly waged example of...
The Great Breakfast Debate.
- Scott Clayton
(The Waffle King hath returned)
This is your new opinion, thanks to Scott
7 people should've kept to themselves:
Author's Note: All characters in this dialogue are purely fictional. They are not meant to represent any actual persons.
6/23/2007 12:00 AM
I'm a big proponent of waffles, myself. For years and years I'd eat nothing but pancakes, but one day it just hit me: fuckin'... waffles, man. Shit. Yeah.
Anyway, henceforth I've dedicated myself to waffles of all sorts (Belgian or otherwise) and their "little fuckin' spots for syrup."
Brendan "Likes European Things and Is Therefore Slightly Untrustworthy and Unpatriotic" O'Connor
6/23/2007 5:58 AM
Waffle batter is usually made with vanilla extract and with more sugar than pancakes. Pancakes are more bland and crepe-like and are more of a generic term for food made from batter and cooked on a pan (hence the name). Waffles are a specific item, pressed in an iron and made from a more organized list of ingredients.
Thats the difference. Most people know that, and, to write a dialogue arguing the differences...well that pretty much means you didn't know.
You should maybe think a little bit more about what your subject matter says about yourself before you attempt to make any "humor" (absent in this work).
There is no "Great Breakfast Debate". Nobody has this debate. This, to me, is like reading the script for an episode of Seinfeld. A terrible episode that was rejected and ultimately assumed to have been written by children doing a project for a remedial reading class. I really wish I had not stumbled across this page today, but reading this angered and compelled me enough to try and talk sense into you.
A little advice: the character Jack is unnecessary and seems like was added for cheap undeserved laughs (from a track - the only way) and the use of profane language (once again, a weak attempt at humor with your "little fuckin' spots for syrup") detracts from whatever integrity this "work" ever had. It loses value - exponentially - with each read. This is a mess. Write something funny...or meaningful...no...its best you don't write anything at all.
7/09/2007 8:40 PM
Oh dear, God.
You're right.
I will never write anything ever again (bar this response).
Thank you so much for clearing up the pancake/waffle issue. I did not know any of that information. That's exactly why I wrote this! Because I had no idea! (Pancakes are the round ones?! WTF?)
Also, you said I should think about what my subject matter says about myself before I attempt "humor". Good call. I would hate for people to think that because I wrote this, it's exactly how I think and act, which, let's face it, is the only reasonable assumption. I was under the impression that an author could, in fact, write from a point of view or in an attitude that differs from his own. Thanks for straightening that out.
There is however, one part I am confused about. You said that nobody ever has a debate like this? Ever?! Never in the history of diners, pancakes, or waffles has anyone ever asked a friend whether they prefer one or the other, and, if so, why? Or perhaps, and this is purely speculation, that you are so god damn unnecessarily douchey that no one in their right state of mind has ever sat down with you to communicate. Am I close?
For Christ's sake, man. (I assume, of course, that you are a male, since, in your rage, you apparently forgot to identify yourself in any way. How convenient.) This may not be a great literary work. It may not be Pulitzer material by any means. But for the love of reason, it was not nearly bad enough for you to get your panties in such a ridiculous twist.
Reciprocated advice:
FUCK. OFF.
7/10/2007 1:48 AM
Dear Anonymous,
Douchey douchey douche douche McDoucherama douchey McDoucherson. Douchey douche douche, douche douche, douche douche douche douche douchdouche. Douche? Douche douche. Douche douchedouche douche, douche. Douche.
Love, Brendan
p.s. You lose, though it was only through repeating the word 'douche' many times that I was able to become a bigger douche than you. Then again, you weren't even trying. I bet if you put some effort into it, you'd really take the douche-cake. Maybe then you could shove it up your ass. I bet that's where you sense of humor is hiding.
p.p.s. Yeah, fuck off.
7/10/2007 2:02 PM
I prefer pancakes. Used to like waffles, but, tastes change. Plus, you can put more fruit, nuts, etc. in pancakes. And "douche McDouche", you're a total douche. Fuck off of blogspots if you have nothing nice to say.
El Steverrino
7/11/2007 11:23 PM
Yeah. Blogs are for nice people only.
Douchebag.
Love,
Brendan Waffle McWaffleson
7/12/2007 8:11 AM
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