Chain Mail is the Devil's Creation

Just recently, I recieved an e-mail that read like this:
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WhY bOyZ ShOuldNt ChEaT oN gIrLs'

There was once a girl named Ashley who had a boyfriend
named Jack.
Jack was the most popular guy in school. The three most
popular girls were Courtney, ASHLEY, and Emma.
Jack thought of Ashley as OKAY, but he REALLy liked Courtney.
Courtney liked jack also. Well of course she did, everyone did!
Ashley and Courtney were worst enemies. Courtney tried to steal Jack away
everytime she had a chance to.
One day, Courtney asked Jack if he wanted to go to the movies.
Ashley heard everything....what movie theatre and what time.
Ashley approached the movies that night and followed Jack and Courtney.
Ashley sat right behind them. she watched them get close to each
other and kiss....not only kiss, but practically get it on in the theatre.
Courtney told jack "Do you want to come to my place and skip this boring
movie?"
He replied "hell yes."
Ashley had peeked through Courtney's window. Jack and her
were messing around and Ashley watched the whole thing.
The next day at school Ashley wasn't there. For the next few days Ashley
wasn't there. A week later her mother found her in her closet
dead... she commited suicide because she had loved Jack so much.
Next to ashley's dead body was a note.
A note that read:
My dearest Jack, I watched you at the
movie and at Courtney's house and I will continue to watch you.
I never thought you would do something like this to me. I really loved you jack.
I died for you just
like Jesus died for us.
Always with you, Ashley
Please foward this to more than 15 people or Ashley will haunt
you and try to kill you because she wants everyone to know about Courtney.
Thank you.
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As you have probably all figured out, I am now going to rip this e-mail a new asshole. First, let's take a look at the title. Every other letter is capitalized, and the apostrophe from shouldn't has somehow migrated to the end of the title. Obviously written by a teenage girl. (see also) Moving on, the setup of the "story" is completely ridiculous. She just happens to overhear everything. Not just some of it. Everything. Obviously a well-planned and thought-out plot. I applaud thee. Let me address the use of idiotic terminology within this fine piece of literature. Firstly, "get it on"? Who the hell uses that phrase? No one in their right mind, surely. Secondly, "hell yes". That is just complete tomfoolery. That phrase is, from this point on, banned from the Penguin. Yes, that's right, I can do it. Anyway, this is where the story gets interesting. Apparently our poor Ashley has gone from innocent victim to creepy stalker, in just one sentence. So, Ashley commits suicide (which is a whole new topic that will hopefully be addressed in a future post) and her mother finds her a week later. A week. In her closet. Apparently when Ashley doesn't come downstairs for 6 days, that's not such a big deal in her household. But on the 7th day, Ashley's mom got a little suspicious. Good detective work mom. And then there's the note. Seems normal until we reach the last line. "I died for you, just like Jesus died for us." Cue the random religious reference. Who the fuck pulled that line out of their ass? Last time I checked, God wasn't a big fan of suicide. And if He is, then the Haley-Bopp Cult was right all along. And then - the piece de resistance - the ending. Apparently Ashley, along with the perpetuators of this e-mail, think that killing anyone with internet access and a Hotmail account will prevent people from cheating. I'm probably gonna have to disagree with you there. And read carefully, it says "more than 15 people". What about the guy who misreads it and sends it to exactly 15 people? He's pretty much fucked. But now, I'd like to finish with what I think is the proverbial "nail in the coffin" of this e-mail.

Immediately, my reply to the sender of this chain letter was: What happened to Emma? She is specifically mentioned in the opening, then never again referenced in the story. Here's what I think:

Actually, Emma was completely ignored until one day she got run over by a bus. But everyone was so concerned with that fucking idiot Ashley, that no one noticed. So I think the lesson here isn't "don't cheat". I think it's "don't forward retarted fake e-mails about some douchebag girl because you might forget that you live in the real world."




- Scott "Back-With-A-Vengeance" Clayton