Just Like The Justice League ... But Better

Let me begin by informing you that I wrote this one day in History class. I'm not quite sure why. As you walk in to class, there is sometimes a question relating to the day's topic on the board. You are to write roughly a paragraph on your opinion, and then you are free to share your thoughts with the class. The question was this:

The purpose of the "Immigration Restriction League" is to keep out "undesirable" immigrants. Should this league exist? Why or why not?

My answer?

Yes, the "Immigration Restriction League" should exist. By keeping out "undesirable immigrants" they keep America safe and preserve our way of life. We can't just let anybody be walking around our country.

A sufficient answer, some would say, but I felt more coming...

Plus, someone has to keep out those damned Canadians. In addition, I think we should institute a Justice League. It seemed to work well on the cartoon. Plus, it would create a new job market for evil geniuses and criminal masterminds, not to mention sidekicks, evil scientists, and henchmen. One thing we need, though, is Aqua-Man. Sometimes they leave him out. But you never know when you might need an aquatically-adept team member. I'm pretty sure Batman can't swim. And we need to avoid things like the Wonder Twins. Their rings remind me too much of Captain Planet. How did they get to be in the Justice League anyway? They're fourteen year old kids in purple spandex. I wouldn't hire them. How much did the Justice League get paid? I'm not sure, but I'll tell you one thing, the new JLA is working on commission. A set amount for every bad guy they bring in. That'll keep them from getting lazy. Of course, they'll have to wait 8-10 business days to recieve their checks. And I'm not afraid to tax them either. One must keep one's superheroes under control. I don't think we should call them superheroes either. It makes them seem better than everyone else. Ours will be called "Enhanced Ability Operatives". Nor will they be permitted to wear capes unless on duty. Grown men walking the streets of New York in tights I can understand, but grown men walking the streets of New York in tights and capes is just unreasonable. The new base of operations for the new, improved Justice League will be in New York. Or maybe Seattle. It would be cool to have the base in the Space Needle. But if that was closed to the public, there would be no more tourists, and Seattle's fragile economy would probably collapse. Does the base have to be in a secret, undisclosed location? I mean, as the Justice League of America, they should be able to protect themselves. I don't think any criminal in their right mind would venture anywhere near that place. Are they afraid of getting mail-bombed? I suppose they could just have Superman x-ray the parcel. Plus, if it does explode, he could just walk away from the blast unscathed. How come his clothes never get burned or torn or incinerated? That must be some ultra-powerful spandex. I suppose we'll have to give them a uniform allowance as well. Do they do their own laundry? Who cleans their base anyway? Probably Wonder Woman. She can wash the dishes while the men fight crime. She doesn't have any superpowers anyway. She has bullet-deflecting cufflinks and a "Lasso of Truth". Does the lasso actually work? Frankly, if I'm about to be pummeled by ridiculously strong superheroes, I'm going to avoid lying as much as possible. There's no need for a magic fuckin' rope.


- Scott Clayton AKA "Mr. Fantastic"



PS. Don't let the signature fool you. If I were a superhero, I'd so be Green Lantern.