Stuff Approved by Will

Since many of you can’t make your own decisions, I have decided to compile a small list of items that I like. If you’re ever bored, go out and get one of these things (you won’t regret it).

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy- Great Book, soon to become a movie

Family Guy - We all know I like it, you will too.

Nintendo DS -A nice piece of hardware, plays N64 graphics and has a touch screen.

Disposable Toilet Seat Covers- One of the greatest inventions of all time, good for those of us that are OCD.

Newgrounds - A good website to post flash animations. Hopefully I’ll have post of my work there one day.

Go on, try some of these. It’ll make your day (Especially those toilet seat covers…)

-The All-Seeing Will

P.S. - Brendan, I moved our last two posts about sticking it to the man to the comment area of your first post. That's really where they should be...

The Varied uses of shit

I was pondering the width and breadth of the English language the other day, when, inevitably, I came to the word "shit." In context, the uses of the word "shit" are many and varied (and fun!). The Oxford Dictionary of the English Language defines it as, well, it doesn't define it. However, I came up with the following definitions, idioms, phrases, and shit on my own self. Please feel free to make additions.

• To defecate
• To decieve
• Excrement
• Something considered totally unacceptable
• Drugs
• Miscellaneous items
• Trouble
• A small amount
• A general interjection (to express surprise)
• To shit on
• Get (one's) shit together
• Give a shit (or not)
• No shit
• Shit bricks/a brick
• Up shit creek (without a paddle)
• When the shit hits the fan
• Full of shit
• Take shit (from someone)
• (Bull)shit
• To shit (someone)

-- The Funny-as-shit Brendan

Mind-numbing Trash Videos

MTV. Damn you, MTV. You are the destroyer of all that is real and good. You wreak havoc in the form of Usher and Petey Pablo. Carson Daly is (or was) the demonic bearer of crappy intros to crappy songs with crappy videos (I guess he was to stupid for that job, too). You are destroying the music world one reality show at a time. You take what you say is 'cool'- which apparently changes every time anyone anywhere releases a new 'record' (I use the word lightly because most can't sing coughPuffycoughAshleeSimpson)- and force-feed it to idiot preteens obsessed with videos featuring rappers who only state "yeah! uh-huh!" every 5 seconds and a beat I could reproduce on my Casio Beatbox^TM (valued at $12.43). MTV, you are the definition of a front-runner. How can the music possibly be any god-damn good if it "dropped 4 places on the countdown this week, after debuting at #1." What the hell is that? Half, no wait, all of what you play is crap and, above all, not real music. I find it funny how they think they're Music Television. Do you know what MTV really stands for? Mind-numbing Trash Videos. 'Cause that's what you play. Crap. And those freaking reality shows? Thats not the real fucking world. The real world is people like us bitching about how bad MTV is! Air that you sons-of-bitches!

An Educational Essay on "The MAN"

This is my first post on The Angry Penguin, so forgive me if I ramble. Isn't that what you're supposed to do, though? What have you. I was recently conversing with a female friend of mine who did not know who The MAN was/is/will always be until everyone starts taking LSD. The MAN is any form of oppression or circumstance of people being "kept down." The MAN doesn't like liberals, because liberals consitute change. John Kerry, by the way, was by no means a liberal. It's kind of hard to be when you're a multi-millionaire. Anywho. The MAN is an establishment or culture of any sort which tries to get people to conform to its ways. And there used to be a way to Stick it to the MAN. And that was called Rock And Roll. But no. People don't want to stick it to the MAN anymore, because thats not cool. Anything that's cool is, by definition and association, the MAN. In this anti-intillectual, materialistic, hedonistic society we live in, there are very few "stickers-to-the-MAN." One can often see if another "sticks it" to the MAN by the: music he/she listens to; clothes he/she wears; and the philosophy he/she lives by. By the way, stickers usually aren't "shes," because girls are stupid and are only good for sex and food - not necessarily at seperate times - but that's a story for another day. The MAN nowadays is manifested in such things as Abercrombie & Fitch, Emo, Cops (as always), and Peter Santanello. These cultures/images/people will try to get others to join them in their march of conformity/political-correctness/academic-ass-rapage. Of course, there are many ways to stick it to the man, the most general and obvious of which are individuality and non-conformity. However, by definition, there cannot be an organized movement of stickers-to-the-MAN because then they become an arm of the MAN. And the MAN has many, many arms (the MAN's form of capitalism has developed in such a way that it can absorb or even incorporate any form of mass rebellion or resistance into itself. Clever, isn't it?). People stick it to the MAN in their own seperate ways, by wearing absurd clothing (like green pants), listening to outdated music (like classic rock), by keeping straight-edge, and by just being generally politically incorrect and awesome. So please, don't let the MAN keep you down. Be yourself. Don't take any shit from anybody. And if you're hot, have sex with me.

-The Eternally Hip Brendan

"The Super Bowl is Gay"

What do the Super Bowl, water, cologne, DVD players, stray cats, the sky, cottage cheese, yogurt, shirts, vacuum cleaners, KFC, McDonald's, orange juice, dollarbills, monitors, scanners, CD burners, and a fat kid with a guitar have in common?

Click here to find out

- The Not-So-Gay Scott

Good Times With Spam

OK, so everyone hates spam (the hit-the-duck-to-win-a-free-ipod computer kind of spam, not the unusually tasty comes-in-a-square-can meat product) But instead of downloading, or worse buying(everything online should be free), a spam-blocker, why not find an entertaining, alternative way to piss of people who are trying to sell you stuff? This mentality was indeed taken up by a man, Jonathon Land, who started a site featuring all the spam he receives and his creative, hilarious responses to such ridiculous ads. Take that you goddamn spammers!

Who's On Top Now, Bitch?

Yeah, uhh, you just hafta watch this one for yourself.

Porn Wars

Don't worry. I rate it PG-13 for sexual references and the use of dildos as weapons. (No Nudity)

As they said in Spaceballs, "May the schwartz be with you!"

- The Incredibly-Bored Scott

"I've Got A Fever..."

I was watching SNL not too long ago and I witnessed what is possibly one of the funniest skits in SNL history. In a parody of both VH1's Behind The Music and Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear The Reaper", Christopher Walken stars as hit producer Bruce Dickinson and Will Ferrell as BOC member Gene Frenkle. The band is irritated by Gene's erratic cowbell playing, but Bruce can't seem to get enough cowbell. As he puts it- "I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell!"

Well this naturally started up a discussion about the greatest cowbell songs of all time. Here's what we have compiled so far:
1. Don't Fear The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
2. Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet - BTO
3. Hooked On A Feelin' - Blue Swede
4. Lowrider - War
5. Can't Get Enough Of Your Love - Barry White
6. Honkey Tonk Woman - The Rolling Stones


If you have any songs worthy of this list, we would appreciate input. Be aware that all emo and most rap will not be accepted, being that neither is real music. We are looking for songs with a shitload of cowbell, not just one clunk. And also, we already looked online (we're not imbeciles) so don't send us any lists or links to lists. And one more thing- "When I'm finished with you, you'll be wearing gold-plated diapers!"

- The Omnibenevolent Scott

Mmmmm....Turkey

After reading Scott's previous post, I remembered an interview I heard on the radio. Man, stupid people piss me off... especially stupid vegetarians. I heard a woman talking about turkies and how SAD it was that they were being killed for Thanksgiving. Ignoring the stupid, happy-go-lucky idiocy that leads to all crazy animal activists, I continued to listen. She said that the orphaned baby turkey's would have to go to therapy because of the emotional stress....




Yes... Therapy...Turkey therapy.... ( Does anyone understand this?!?!)
Unfortunately, she just inadvertently killed a kitten ( I slaughtered it in rage...). But seriously, does vegetarianism accomplish anything? "Oh no it kills the poor wittle animaws!" Boo Hoo, go suck on your mother's teet you big homos. Have you ever tasted meat? It's freakin delicious! When the vegetarians stop eating the meat, it doesn't save the animals. They are still killed and still eaten ( and enjoyed by me). They don't understand the circle of life, and that even if humans didn't exist, the little turkeys would be mauled by pumas or wild hedgehogs. But most of all, they don't understand that most people could care less about animals and that we're just hungry. So next time you meet a vegetarian, remind they still wear leather shoes... and that we will never stop eating meat ('cause vegetables just suck)

Well, I'm off to make myself a turkey sandwich... Mmmmm... Turkey.
- The Omnipresent Will