MC Hammer Will p0wn Your Ass

You crazy rapping bastards are getting out of hand. Seriously. I can understand your need to communicate your unhappiness with cultural disadvantage via your form of musical expression, that is, rap. But please, for the sake of American culture and sanity, stick to what you're good at. Case in point:

Kanye West - Way to play the race card, a-hole! Do you even listen to the words that come out of your mouth? Next time, read the goddamned cue cards.

R. Kelly - As if there was not already way to much controversy concerning your sexual preferences, you have decided to release what appears to be a ten-act play disguised as a rap song called "Trapped In The Closet". You do know that that phrase has a rather homosexual basis, right? From what I have gathered, this musical travesty is about a large web of adultery centered around the main character. Now, there is much infidelity in our world today, and he's not wrong about that. But, I for one, dislike receiving world views from a man suspected of urinating on little girls. Maybe I'm asking too much. The worst part of the whole ordeal was his 'performance' at some shitty MTV award show. First of all, he does not sing the narration. He just mouths the lines of all four/five characters as they are played over the speakers, and proves himself to be an all-around douche.

Diddy - You decided to cut off the P because your fans couldn't spell it? You have changed your name so many times, that I have resigned to addressing you as 'fuckface'. It makes things so much easier. Anyway, I saw this new season of "Making The Band 2 - Season 3" or something equally as handicapped. I distinctly remember a bunch of prissy fucking bitches having to run 6 miles. Why? Well, apparently the ability to travel long distances on foot is a prerequisite for becoming a sucky pop group. But what got me was you riding in a god-damned horse drawn carriage with a megaphone. Ladies and gentlemen: NEVER GIVE THIS MAN A MEGAPHONE EVER! It's bad enough he gets microphones. Anyway fuckface, I remember you saying something along the lines of "I can't wait until we get up to this big hill I used to run." Yeah, we know. You ran a marathon. Good for you. Start a fucking pop group. Or don't. MTV can use your time slot to rerun episodes of "The Real World". In another instance, I read about how you thought the world was ready for a "black James Bond". First off, no. And secondly, if we (the white man) were planning on casting a black James Bond, it would certainly not be you. I recommend Wesley Snipes. But not you. And lose the toothpick, fuckface.





- Scott Clayton "doesn't care about black people"



Note: The above does not represent my actual feeling, but is used only as a point of mockery.