Wallaby Tears

Wallaby Tears

Scott Clayton

A number of suited corporate executives are seated along a table. The CEO stands at the head of the table and addresses the men.

Boss:
Alright, so as you are all surely aware, UltraCorp's profits dropped eighteen percent last quarter. So we need a hot new product. We need something that will sell. So...
(shouting offstage/outside)
ALRIGHT GUYS, COME ON IN!

Two men enter, wearing funky t-shirts and blazers, a little bit too energetically, looking like slightly douchey, hip product development guys.

Kevin:
Hey guys, I'm Kevin and this is my partner Josh and we're here to bounce some product ideas off of you guys, okay?

Josh:
Alright, let's get this thing started, you know?

Kevin:
So. You want a hot new energy drink? You want something that really kicks A? Check this.

Josh:
"Smash"...It's an energy cola....

Kevin:
Made of:

Josh:
Sixty percent. Kerosene.

Kevin:
(emphatically)
Uh.

There is a long, pause. The executives are confused.

Suit #1:
Wait... what?

Josh:
Kerosene, baby. It's fuel. For your mind, and your body.

Kevin slaps Josh on the ass.

Suit #2:
Isn't that dangerous?

Kevin:
(rushing ahead)
But that's not all. It's also got, uh...

Josh:
(with a snap)
Olive juice. For kick.

Kevin:
Yeah! For just the right amount of bite.

(beat)

Suit #1:
That's... that's disgusting.

Kevin:
Disgustingly good.

Josh:
Right.

Kevin:
But! We haven't told you about the secret ingredient!

Josh:
Are you ready?

Kevin:
Prepare yourself.

Josh:
Wallaby tears.

Kevin:
Boom.

Josh:
Get some.

Kevin:
That's what's happenin'.

Josh:
Booyah.

Kevin:
In. Yo. Face.

Kevin and Josh bump chests, gayly. There is another long pause.

Suit #1:
Wait... What's a wallaby?

Josh:
Mid-sized Australian marsupial.

Kevin:
Cries like a motherfucker.

Josh:
Fortunately for us, the wallaby season just opened. All we have to do is get our hands on some of these little critters, expose them to horrible, offensive images, and harvest the sweet, sweet nectar of their suffering.

Kevin:
...and sell it for a profit margin of 53 percent.

Josh:
Hey-oh!

They high-five, but don't release hands, and subtly bring their embraced hands down to waist level and hold for a few seconds too long before letting go. There is a long, long, awkward span of complete silence. The CEO stands up.

CEO:
Ahem... well... would you gentlemen please step out for a moment while the board discusses this?

Josh and Kevin leave the room. As soon as they are outside, they begin to jump up and down in excitement, holding hands. The rabbles and discussion of the board members can barely be heard through the door.

Kevin:
Oh my god, you were great.

Josh:
Really? You think they liked it?

Kevin:
We are sooo in.

Josh:
My heart's just beating so fast. I don't... I don't know what to do. I'm so flus... flustered.

Josh leans over and puts his hands on his knees, breathing heavy. Kevin starts pacing.

CEO:
(offscreen)
Alright, guys. Come on back in.

Josh and Kevin reenter the room.

CEO:
So... we discussed your proposal gentlemen, and we don't feel that it's... "marketable."

Kevin:
Wha... what?

Suit #1:
It sucks. This is probably the worst idea ever.

Suit #2:
By far. The worst.

Suit #1:
Yeah.

Kevin:
WHAT?!

Josh:
This can not be happening. No way.

There is a long pause.

CEO:
(awkwardly)
So...

Kevin:
Wait, wait,wait... I know what this is about. You bastards.

Josh starts sobbing.

Josh:
(in a high-pitched whine)
I can't believe this... We work so hard... and they don't even know... and the wallabyandthepizzarollsandIcan'tevengetabunnyrabbit...

He breaks down into heavy sobs.

Kevin:
(gesturing to himself and Josh)
This is because of our sexual preferences, right?

Josh:
(still sobbing)
...ketchup packets and leotards...

Kevin:
That's bullshit. What kinda company is this?

Suit #2:
We assure you, sir, our decision has nothing to do with the two of you, personally. We simply feel that the product is too...

Kevin:
Oh, fuck off. This is some fucked-up repugnant shit. This... this... this... agression. It will not stand, man!

Josh lets out a loud, wailing noise.

Kevin:
Look at him! His dreams are crushed! He's just a poor little kid. Come here, baby...
(He takes Josh in his arms and cuddles him)
Shh...
(Spitefully, at the men)
You sharks.

Still cradling Josh and glaring at the executives, Kevin reaches into his jacket pocket and removes a flask. He takes a sip, and as Josh lets out another whimper, he puts it down on the table. He tends his weeping partner. The CEO picks up the flask, sniffs it and takes a sip. He stands up and passes the flask around. All of the executives drink from it.

CEO:
This... this is it! This is what we're looking for! It's delicious! What is it?

Josh:
(wiping away tears)
It's my own special mix.

Kevin:
It's umm.... blueberries, vanilla extract, basil, salt, and uh...

Josh:
grain alcohol... and blended eel.

Kevin:
And Red 40. For color.

(beat)

CEO:
Well shit, you little fairies have sold me! We'll have a contract readied immediately.

Josh:
Actually, umm... you should know that there is one side-effect... ummm... It makes you gay.

Suit #1:
What? How? Like, after repeated use?

Kevin:
No. Just one sip. And you're gay.

Josh:
(somberly)
In. Yo. Face.

CEO:
Well then. Ahem. We will see you gentlemen tomorrow evening.

Josh and Kevin:
Oh, thank you so much.

They both kiss the CEO on the cheek as they leave. He is slightly flustered by this, but accepts it. He turns to the board.

Boss:
Well then, next order of business...
(He becomes extremely fey, lisp and all)
Is this, or is this not... the most fabulous pair of shoes you have ever seen?!

All of the executives stand and applaud, gayly. Fade to black.




- Scott (In. Yo. Face.) Clayton