"Celebrity Block"

I have a new idea for a reality show. I know, I dislike them as well, but mine will be better. It's called "Celebrity Block" and it follows the lives of certain celebrities as they do their time. Michael Jackson, Martha Stewart, Kobe Bryant, Lil' Kim, Courtney Love, Bill O'Reilly, Scott Peterson. We take you inside their cells, their prisonyards, their executions, to bring you quality home entertainment. As for getting cameras into the jails, I'm sure the government will comply. Jails don't really get alot of publicity these days. And for a small bribe, I'm sure we can get these celebs into a cell with some guy named Bubba from Arkansas who killed 19 goats and ate their flesh, or a black ex-prostitute named Sharonda who killed some white girl for standing on her corner. And with the cameras, you know the guards and other prisoners will play it up. The beatings will be even more brutal, the cavity searches will be even more inhumane, and the stabbings will be staged right in front of the cameras. What will really set the show apart, though, is the formation of two rival gangs. I think Bill O'Reilly and Martha Stewart will square off immediately. Bill will have Peterson and Kobe hurling insults at Democrats, while Martha shows MJ, Kim and Courtney Love how to make a throw rug out of pine cones and lint. Unfortunately I think that the O'Reilly Faction will win any fight-riots that break out. Come on, you have a cold-blooded killer, a 6"7" basketball player, and an sexual-harassment-prone Irishman against a drunken slut, a rapping slut, a Satanist homemaker, and a little boy in a half-plastic shell. My money's on the O'Reilly Faction. But you have to tune in to find out...



- "I'm Scott, and you're not"

The Return of Bloodninja?

Many of you may have read in a previous post The Saga of Bloodninja. He was a geat man, and I dedicate the following cyber chat to him.

x0x0julie: Wanna cyber?
Soulman: ok
x0x0julie: you start.
Soulman: no you go
x0x0julie: Okay. I take off my shirt and bra and show you my perky DD breasts.
Soulman: I start lickin yr tits
x0x0julie: I take off your pants and grab your tiny dick.
Soulman: Hey!
x0x0jule: Wow, that is small…
Soulman: No its not!
x0x0julie: I’m sorry, you’re right… lets keep on going.
Soulman: I stick myself inside of you
x0x0julie: How? You didn’t even take off my panties.
x0x0julie: That’s impossible.
Soulman: I took em off as I did it
x0x0julie: As you pull down my panties my nine inch dick falls out.
x0x0julie: I wield it like a sword, and slap your face with it.
Soulman: wtf?
x0x0julie: Why don’t we swordfight? Tiny dagger vs. broadsword.
x0x0julie: Hello? Are you there? Lets keep going.
Soulman: keep doin wat
x0x0julie: I tie you down and teabag you
x0x0julie: As you scream for mercy
Soulman: I bite it
x0x0julie: Oh God!? Why would you do that? It’s bleeding everywhere!
Soulman: lol
Soulman: g2g

First off, Why the hell would he keep on talking to me after I said I had a dick..? It might have had to do with the fact that he was probably 13 and never cybered a girl in his life. But maybe now he'll think twice before trying to cyber someone again. God knows we don't more horny guys on the interent looking for cybersex. Because we all know the only girls that cyber them back are the fat ones... gross. Either that or they're 40 year old men. Just remember kids, if they want to meet up with you, tell them to fuck off! They're just horny old men. Either way, this kids is scarred for life. More cyber chats to come...

-Will aka "x0x0julie"

But The Trees Are Our Friends!

Do you know what I can't stand? (Well, if you're a regular reader, you can list quite a few things) But, specifically, I can't stand nature-loving dickweeds and their all-natural food rave. I don't want food grown naturally in Cambodia without pesticides or growth hormones. I want my fucking potatos grown in an American lab somewhere in New Mexico, injected with it's weight in hormones, and hosed down daily with pesticides. I want it to be twice as big as a normal potato, and fucking delicious. I'm tired of all these freaking hippies trying to stop genetic "fucking-around-with" of foods. Animals especially. I don't care if you have to shoot a cow with fucking gamma-rays, I want the best f-ing steak science can buy. Anyone who's afraid to eat fish grown in a tank because they might get cancer is a asswipe. Do you know what else you can get cancer from? Cell phones (supposedly, I doubt it), the sun, car exhaust. Let's live in a fucking hole in the ground and never come out, eh? As for the rest of you, who only buy from the "organic" aisle, you are all a bunch of asscrackers. All food is organic, otherwise it wouldn't be food. Metal - inorganic; plastic - inorganic; essentially anything that contains carbon - organic. See how that works? And you can read this, from my friend Dick Taverne. He knows what is really going on.


- Secretary of War Scott Clayton

Chain Mail is the Devil's Creation

Just recently, I recieved an e-mail that read like this:
--------------------------------------
WhY bOyZ ShOuldNt ChEaT oN gIrLs'

There was once a girl named Ashley who had a boyfriend
named Jack.
Jack was the most popular guy in school. The three most
popular girls were Courtney, ASHLEY, and Emma.
Jack thought of Ashley as OKAY, but he REALLy liked Courtney.
Courtney liked jack also. Well of course she did, everyone did!
Ashley and Courtney were worst enemies. Courtney tried to steal Jack away
everytime she had a chance to.
One day, Courtney asked Jack if he wanted to go to the movies.
Ashley heard everything....what movie theatre and what time.
Ashley approached the movies that night and followed Jack and Courtney.
Ashley sat right behind them. she watched them get close to each
other and kiss....not only kiss, but practically get it on in the theatre.
Courtney told jack "Do you want to come to my place and skip this boring
movie?"
He replied "hell yes."
Ashley had peeked through Courtney's window. Jack and her
were messing around and Ashley watched the whole thing.
The next day at school Ashley wasn't there. For the next few days Ashley
wasn't there. A week later her mother found her in her closet
dead... she commited suicide because she had loved Jack so much.
Next to ashley's dead body was a note.
A note that read:
My dearest Jack, I watched you at the
movie and at Courtney's house and I will continue to watch you.
I never thought you would do something like this to me. I really loved you jack.
I died for you just
like Jesus died for us.
Always with you, Ashley
Please foward this to more than 15 people or Ashley will haunt
you and try to kill you because she wants everyone to know about Courtney.
Thank you.
--------------------------------------

As you have probably all figured out, I am now going to rip this e-mail a new asshole. First, let's take a look at the title. Every other letter is capitalized, and the apostrophe from shouldn't has somehow migrated to the end of the title. Obviously written by a teenage girl. (see also) Moving on, the setup of the "story" is completely ridiculous. She just happens to overhear everything. Not just some of it. Everything. Obviously a well-planned and thought-out plot. I applaud thee. Let me address the use of idiotic terminology within this fine piece of literature. Firstly, "get it on"? Who the hell uses that phrase? No one in their right mind, surely. Secondly, "hell yes". That is just complete tomfoolery. That phrase is, from this point on, banned from the Penguin. Yes, that's right, I can do it. Anyway, this is where the story gets interesting. Apparently our poor Ashley has gone from innocent victim to creepy stalker, in just one sentence. So, Ashley commits suicide (which is a whole new topic that will hopefully be addressed in a future post) and her mother finds her a week later. A week. In her closet. Apparently when Ashley doesn't come downstairs for 6 days, that's not such a big deal in her household. But on the 7th day, Ashley's mom got a little suspicious. Good detective work mom. And then there's the note. Seems normal until we reach the last line. "I died for you, just like Jesus died for us." Cue the random religious reference. Who the fuck pulled that line out of their ass? Last time I checked, God wasn't a big fan of suicide. And if He is, then the Haley-Bopp Cult was right all along. And then - the piece de resistance - the ending. Apparently Ashley, along with the perpetuators of this e-mail, think that killing anyone with internet access and a Hotmail account will prevent people from cheating. I'm probably gonna have to disagree with you there. And read carefully, it says "more than 15 people". What about the guy who misreads it and sends it to exactly 15 people? He's pretty much fucked. But now, I'd like to finish with what I think is the proverbial "nail in the coffin" of this e-mail.

Immediately, my reply to the sender of this chain letter was: What happened to Emma? She is specifically mentioned in the opening, then never again referenced in the story. Here's what I think:

Actually, Emma was completely ignored until one day she got run over by a bus. But everyone was so concerned with that fucking idiot Ashley, that no one noticed. So I think the lesson here isn't "don't cheat". I think it's "don't forward retarted fake e-mails about some douchebag girl because you might forget that you live in the real world."




- Scott "Back-With-A-Vengeance" Clayton

Don't Forget to Bring Your Towel

As you all know we here at the Penguin are incredible fans of Douglas Adams's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Actually, I'm not sure about Brendan. But most definitely Will and myself.)

Anyways, as you all should know by now, the text is to be embodied in what appears to be the cinematic event of the century. You must all now read the book, watch the trailer, and see the movie.

April 29th - Plan the next few months of your life accordingly.


- President of the Imperial Galactic Government Scott Clayton

Take That Chuck E. Cheese!

Here's what I love about America:

Man loading up on salad at Chuck E. Cheese ends up getting tazered by a couple of old cops in front of dozens of kids.

I think I had a dream like this once. But in the end of mine, Bruce Lee kills the robotic Chuck E. Cheese. Anyway, this story has it all - salad pilfering, tazers, crying little kids and most importantly tazers. This could win an Emmy, or an Oscar, or a Grammy, or a Kid's Choice Award. Whatever the hell they're giving out this week.

If I were those cops I would have had a little more fun with him first. Let him get up, then tazer him to the ground again. Repeat at least 30 times. Then throw him into the ball pit. Let him wake up 3 hours later locked in a dark Chuck E. Cheese. That's possibly the scariest thing ever. Chuck E. Cheese is fucking creepy.


- Scott "I-Got-Skills-Like-Bruce-Lee" Clayton